If you could choose to be great
at football, basketball, baseball, or drinking games, which would
you choose? I am already great at drinking games so baseball.
Do you thank God you’re a
country boy? Yes I am proud that I grew up in the country and
not some place like Eden Praire.
If you were meeting Glanzer and
me for the first time, what would surprise you more: the fact that
Glanzer doesn’t eat cheese or that I have never drank? I would
have to say the cheese that shits just weird.
What is one of history’s
mysteries would you most like to know the truth about? Who
built Stone Hendge.
What are you least looking
forward to when you have to work again? Getting up early and
cutting back on binge drinking.
Which of your friends would you
take a bullet for? Many of them but certainly not Jake Drotzman.
What is one thing about yourself
you would like to change? I wish I was slightly better at
kickboxing.
If you could live anywhere in
the world, where would you live? Las Vegas I love that city.
Who is your favorite animated
character? Whichever cartoon character looks hottest in the
latest issue of Hustler.
If you could pick anyone else
from Madison who would move up here, who would you pick?
Drotzman
If you could pick one movie that
everyone in the world would watch, which movie would it be?
City of God
What is the worst $7.35 you’ve
ever spent? I think that is roughly how much I spent at KFC
that time I puked it all up for a cheap laugh.
If your life story would be
turned into a movie, who would play the main characters? Family
friends and an assortment of wild animals for that time in my life
when I was torturing animals.
What is one random thing that
really makes you mad? Crumbs in my pubes.
When can we expect
www.JasonLaPlant.com? When I get more ambitious and Glanzer
stops recording every detail of my life.
Do you want your funeral to be
like? Oh god there will be lots of music and planned awkward
moments you will have to be there I don’t want to give away too
much, but I will say watch for Brad Gausman to make everyone cry.
If you could switch lives with
anyone you know, who would you switch with? Brian Shaw
What is your theme song?
Sympathy for the Devil.
Who is someone that almost no
one else knows of that you’d like to meet? Almoldovar the movie
director.
Which of your friends do you see
living the longest? Gausman, that veggie and running shit
better accomplish something
What is one invention you want
to see created? Time machine duh.
When are we going to see you on
ESPN playing in the World Series of Poker? Never I am paranoid
about large crowds.
What is one thing you’ve always
wanted to say to me? You drink too much alcohol before lunch
take a break I mean drinking is fun but you have a real problem.
What was the best day you ever
had? 1-1-2000, Y2K didn’t happen.
Who is one person you’d love to
live with for a year? Hugh Hefner
If you were to redesign the
Minnesota state flag, what would you make it look like?
Puckett’s face surrounded by pheasants.
If you could make it so the
Twins won the next World Series, but then the Yankees would win the
next ten, would you do it? No that would be entirely too
painful.
What is one thing you love to
do, but can never get anyone else to do with you? Pity sex
Why won’t you play Risk with me?
It is a long game and you bore me.
What’s one time you thought for
sure you were going to die? That time I was so drunk I was
begging god to kill me.
If you could choose who would be
the US President, who would you pick? Ralph Nader
Should we just invade Canada and
take their oil supplies? Yes fuck those gravy and fries eating
mother lovers.
What is the most impressive
thing you’ve ever seen a friend do? I use to be really
impressed when Craig would fall right on his face.
If you could pick the perfect
jobs for your friends, what would they be? Porn fluffers and
ice cream testers.
What song do you think plays
over and over in hell? Love is a Battlefield.
What’s one thing that you wish
would become really popular? Puking over balconies.
What’s the accomplishment of
yours that you’re most proud of? My constant ability to get
drunk and be somebody or my world travels.
Who’s the most fun person to be
drunk around? Everybody has their moments but lately it has
been a lot of being around Steve so he wins by default.
Concerning Special K the cereal,
what happened to the Regular K? It wasn’t a very cool slang
term for drugs so the government got rid of it.
What’s one thing you want to do
before you die? Spit at a minor celebrity.
If your apartment was on fire,
what is the order you would save your possessions/roommates?
Roommates, booze, porn, and then a movie or two.
What’s your favorite pez
dispenser? Santa
If you could write a movie, what
would it be about? The loss of innocence and sexual prowess at
a family reunion.
What are your thoughts on Chris’
wedding? I am happy for Chris and I sincerely hope they are
happy.
If you still thought the world
was flat, would you be interested in sailing to the edge of it?
No I am not even that interested in leaving the country.
Did TV kill the radio? No
but it injured it badly.
If you were given complete
control over the US government, what would be your first action?
Make trade fair and give myself a healthy raise.
What the first thing that comes
to mind after reading this question? You are already running
out of questions.
By the time this whole interview
phase is over, how many questions do you think you’ll answer and
create? 2000 written 1500 answered.
What’s your favorite air
freshener scent? pine
What do you think the odds are
that Glanzer just pretends not to like cheese but secretly eats it
when no one sees him? He secretly likes cheese but he still
does not eat it.
You’ve just won the lottery. Are
you happy you never have to worry about money again, or secretly
bummed out because now people will just expect you to pay for
everything and have people you really don’t like pretending to be
your friends for the rest of your life? I would be happy I
could have all those people I don’t like killed.
When are you and Glanzer going
to stop pretending? It is just not in either of our nature to
stop pretending to like you.
Quiet night drinking at home
with a few friends, or going to the bar? Hands down quiet night
drinking. I seriously think I am a very antisocial person who is
hiding it well.
What am I thinking right now, as
you read this question? Did I wash every area of my body.
What’s your favorite commercial
of all time? I really like how far fetched the anti drug ones
are.
If you could choose how you
would die, how would you die? I would like to be listening to a
hooker explaining why she won’t do that and than get hit by a bus.
Is life about hard work? I
don’t know what it is about but it is certainly not hard work.
Why do you always refuse water
from my Naglene? I honestly think I would be imposing if I did.
What’s your favorite source to
get news from? CNN Headline news.
How serious of a crime would one
of your friends have to commit before you’d turn them in? A
friend from my core group I would never rat out and everybody else I
don’t care enough about to get involved.
Which one of your friends has
the worst luck? Ian has been very unlucky lately.
Do you prefer playing with blue
or green racquetballs? Blue for sure cause green is mean.
What kind of camp counselor do
you think I was? A very good one you seem to genuinely care if
people are not enjoying themselves.
Do you ever get annoyed when
you’re working hard but then other people are slacking off? Oh
god yes I tend to work hard when I need to and I have little
patience for extreme slacking.
What’s one thing that you could
have done, but decided against and now regret? Shooting that
free throw with Glanzer after the Timberwolves game.
What would be a good nickname
for you? Cool breeze Mcbuck fuck.
If you could only get one TV
station which one would you choose? VH1 I am obsessed with
celebrity lifestyle.
If you could live in any period
of time, which would you choose? I would have liked to be born
in 1972 and truly experienced the Seattle music scene.
Do you think you will ever buy a
computer? Yah but a really cheap one.
Who do you think made the
Sphinx? Aliens helped the Egyptians.
Which is your favorite
Roman/Greek god/goddess? Aphrodite
What should we do to bring peace
to the Middle East? Take a step back and stop worrying so much
about our own interest.
What is your favorite hotel to
stay over in? Holiday Inn
What is one question on these
interviews that you’ve asked someone that you would like someone to
ask you? What is your favorite poem.
Where would you like to go SCUBA
diving at? The flood ponds that form at Valley Fair
If you were lost in China and no
one there spoke English, what would you do? Find a bride and
find a way to get two tickets home.
Chairs or couches? Couches
If I was in a coma and the
choice was yours, would you pull the plug, not knowing what my
wishes were? After seven months yes.
Do you think Glanzer’s website
will ever fall into neglect? Yes but not anytime soon.
If you were a pirate, what would
your name be? Jowls
Have you ever considered a
career in piracy? No because I wouldn’t be able to figure out
the machines.
Why don’t we have flying cars
yet? The Government is afraid of the possibilities.
Water parks or skiing resorts?
Water parks rule and I can’t ski.
What should people do with their
old VCRs? Donate them to science.
Orange juice or O.J. Simpson?
Orange juice kills people so I will go with Simpson
They say that if the bird flu
mutates so it can spread easily from human to human it will kill
millions. Are you worried? I was but it seems now like it is a
news topic that is distracting people from what Bush is doing to
fuck us.
If you had rabies would you tell
people or just secretly get treated for it? I would tell people
and hopefully do something interesting with it before being treated.
What’s something that’s
overrated? Being confident
Would you rather lose your legs
or your arms? legs
What’s a show you only watch
when you’re by yourself? Number one single
What actress would you like to
date? Judy Dench
Do you think there is too much
computer animation in movies today? No it usually looks pretty
good and is interesting.
If you were an actor would you
do your own stunts? Fuck no
What is a quote/saying that is
overused? Get r done
What letter should we add to the
alphabet? How the hell do I answer that.
Would you prefer to do battle
with a sword or with an axe? Sword axes are heavier
Would you ever consider joining
an online dating service? Yes I think I would enjoy that
Mowing the lawn or raking
leaves? Raking leaves and then hiding in the piles
If you were drafted into the
army would you go or hide in Canada? I would gain whatever
weight I would need to and fail my physical.
If you could choose to be any
nationality, which would it be? Italian so I could join the
Sopranos.
Would you enjoy living in a
giant tree house? Yes but only for a week
Would you enjoy living in a
space station? Yes but only for a month
Do you think you could kill a
person if it was in self defense? Yes I am capable of great
things
Would you enjoy being able to
understand all animals, or would you get sick of hearing them once
you realize they don’t have anything interesting to say? I
think it would drive me crazy very quickly.
If you could listen in to
people’s thoughts without them knowing it, would you? No I
would hate to know what people think of me.
If you could replace parts of
your bodies with machines and become a cyborg, would you? Only
my genitals that would rule
What’s the worst thing you’ve
ever tasted? Those dirt jelly beans
What’s something that you really
thought you’d like, but then when you tried it you hated it?
Pooping in a bag.
What do you think the correct
number of boxers to own is? 7 to 10
Be honest, how often to you
sneak into Patrick’s room just to watch him sleep? I think I
have done that twice.
If a mermaid offered to take you
to her underwater home of Atlantis, but you could never come back to
the surface, would you go? Yes I would I don’t have a lot going
here.
What was your favorite toy
growing up? Nintendo
Why don’t you watch the
Boondocks? I forget what time it is on.
Do you think they should start
making all keyboards with the letters in alphabetical order?
God no I barely understand where they are at now
Laptop or desktop computer?
desktop
How long will it be before
computers and TV’s are the same thing? 34 years
What do you think you will be
doing April 1st, 2011 at 3:24 p.m.? watching Paris Hilton’s new
reality show.
What excites you most about the
fact that Glanzer and myself have moved up here? The
racquetball.
Do you think you could raise a
pig as a pet, but then when it got older slaughter and eat it?
No that would disturb me greatly.
What is the least amount of time
you could see yourself knowing someone before you’d marry them?
10 days
Are lavalamps over rated?
Yes they break easily and take too long to heat up
Why do all superheroes wear
tights? To turn me on
If it was socially acceptable,
would you wear a cape at all times? No I would trip over it
constantly.
What superhero power would you
most like to have? Invisibility I want to see a lot of people
naked.
You know that, right? Yes
but sometimes I am not sure
Knowing that Glanzer managed to
keep his tablet without paying, would you have tried to take yours,
or would’ve you felt too guilty? I would have taken it but
Glanzer did get caught.
What are your thoughts on
communism? Good idea but will never truly work.
What is Scott Headrick scheming
about right now? How to get my phone number here you go Scott
1-402-274-8921 call me.
Do you wish there were more
nuclear power plants in the world? Yes I like nuclear anything.
What’s one physical deformity
you think it would be cool to have? Lazy eye
If you were in solitary
confinement what would you do to pass the time? Bounce a ball
against the wall.
What would you do if one of your
good friends for years was a bubble boy, but you found out that he
didn’t actually need the bubble but just wanted the attention?
I would be very impressed by the deception.
What the hell does ‘If a tree
fell in the forest but no one was around to hear it, does it make a
sound” mean anyhow? It is part of a zen philosophy that I
understand half the time.
Which persons set of
grandparents did you enjoy meeting the most? Jeff’s
What should be the penalty for a
fan interfering with a ball at a Twins game causing them to lose?
Kicked out of the game.
What is your opinion on
crocodile wrestlers? It is not a very fair contest.
Would you buy something from a
police auction knowing that there was a murder associated with it?
Oh yah that would be cool.
If you died, would you want to
become a ghost? No I would be scared.
Do you think there ever will be
flying broomsticks or carpets? No that is silly.
If you had a genie, what would
your three wishes be? All the world’s porn, a 24 hour Chinese
buffet, and 235 million dollars.
What is your favorite activity
when babysitting your cousins? Watching movies and answering
their questions.
Are people still calling Steve
the godfather? Yes once you are a godfather it is for life.
When are you and Glanzer going
to get your 912 N. Egan tattoos? Whenever Chris or you are
ready to join us I am ready.
If Steve was a bird, what kind
of bird would he be? pigeon
What’s something you’ve put off
doing that you have to get done? Getting Minnesota plates.
If King Kong was real, would
people end up killing it? Yah he is a scary ape.
If E.T. showed up at your house,
what would you do? Freak the fuck out.
If Santa wanted you to take over
his job, would you? God no that would be exhausting.
Patrick is drunk and thinks he
can fly; do you stop him or just watch and see what happens?
Watch until he tries to jump off a real tall building.
If you found out someone put a
hit out on you, what would you do? Accept it
What’s your favorite quote on
Glanzer’s quote list? All of mine if I am honest.
What would you like to tell your
5 year old self? You don’t have to eat that much.
Would you enjoy dating a woman
who was stronger than you? Oh yah I want to be used.
What would be the worst finger
to lose? Right index
What’s another bumper sticker
you wish you had for your car? I love this car like a
moderately expensive whore.
XML radio stations charge you a
fee to listen but have no ads. Do you think some TV stations will
take the same approach and charge more but get rid of all
commercials? That already exist with movie channels.
During the Muslim cartoon
problem some Arab newspapers used a fake image of a pig-squealing
contest in France and other similar “cartoons” they themselves made
and acted like they were the Danish cartoons of Mohammed to stir up
tension. They claimed they had done this to “give an insight in how
hateful the atmosphere in Denmark is towards Muslims”. How much does
this upset you? Wow that was a long question that I kind of
understood.
On bbc.com they have a story
titled “Earth could seed Titan with life”. How excited are you about
this development? Fuck the BBC
Where do you think stories about
leprechauns came from? Drunk Irish candle makers
You’ve got a blurry picture of
Big Foot. Do you take it to the local media or not fearing being
ridiculed? I take it to weekly world news they would
understand.
Would you prefer to be a shark
or a whale? Whale their heart is as big as a car.
DSU just burned to the ground;
how upset are you? Very I like that place.
How fearful are you that one day
the train that goes by your apartment will come off its tracks and
crash into your place? Actually I never considered that thank
you for giving me another concern.
Steve suddenly runs out of
plasma, do you give him some of yours, knowing that he might sell it
anyhow? Yah I want to see him try to sell it.
How realistic do you think
Jurassic Park is? Not at all.
Do you think 6 feet is far
enough down to bury people? Yah maybe too far.
When do you think World War III
will happen? Yes and I want no part of it.
You promised to call so we could
go out sledding, and I told you that if you didn’t call I wouldn’t
finish this questionnaire, and you haven’t called yet. Do you not
take my threats seriously? I told you my cell phone died and
that was the truth.
If someone was on fire and you
had water or anything else to help them put it out but had to go to
the bathroom real bad would you pee on them? Yes I heard that
smells funny.
How excited are you about the
fact with my new program Glanzer will be able to get these
interviews on his website in a matter of minutes, not days? I
am excited very excited.
What do you think the best way
to help students that are falling behind in their classes is?
Give up on them McDonald’s is always hiring.
They say that if you give a man
a fish he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach him how to fish he’ll
be able to eat everyday; but really if a guy can’t figure out how to
fish is he really worth saving in the first place? Yes he is
but fishing is important.
How often do you really wash
well between your toes? God almost never sometimes I run my
fingers down there after I take off my socks.
Are you still upset with me for
my harsh words about the movie “I am Sam”? not at all but there
is no way that is the worst movie ever made.
What’s your favorite play of all
time? Death of a Salesman
What’s one thing that you used
to regret but now are glad you did? Shaved my pubes.
How many different TV shows do
you think you can watch at the same time and still understand what’s
happening in all of them? one
Do you ever stop and think about
all the water you’ve drank in your life? Just now I did.
What, in your opinion, is the
proper way to scare away a bear? Throw your feces at him.
If you fell into an alternate
universe where you were mistaken for a very important religious
figure, would you try to keep up the act that you were him so that
if you and he ever trade universes again his good name wouldn’t be
soiled, or would you just be you? I would probably keep it up
and make some money.
What’s the best practical joke
you’ve ever played on someone? I beat Jeff in a fight and then
he made me a snack.
Suddenly everyone but you
develops the ability to fly; how bummed are you? Oh man I would
seriously end it right there.
Is it time for humans to go the
way of the dinosaurs? No Nick we are humans.
If the moon was to disappear how
much would you really care? I would miss it but it would take
me a while to realize it was gone.
What’s your seventh most
favorite word to say? placebo
How much time do you usually
spend thinking of an answer to one of these questions? 6
seconds it actually took me longer than average to think of the
answer to this question.
Do you think you could’ve come
up with better ideas for most of the music videos that you see?
No I am a pile of uncreative shit.
How much sleep do you need to
have to be at your peek performance? 6 hours
Would you rather be able to
control fire or water? fire
If you forgot when your birthday
was and had no way to find out what it was, would you just not
celebrate it anymore, or would you pick a day and claim that was
your birthday from then on? I would probably pick a day in the
summer.
If the world was going to be
destroyed but we had one ship that could save some people and
rebuild humanity on another planet, should those people be picked
based on things like age, strength, intelligence etc. or should it
be a random drawing so everyone has an equal chance to be saved?
I don’t want to be on the ship no matter what so let’s go with high
scores at pinball to determine who gets on. That way it will be all
nerds.
Who is your favorite sports
reporter? Woody Page
Who is your favorite news
reporter? Walter Cronkite
Do you take short cuts a lot, or
stick to the known and proven driving routes? I always mess
short cuts up.
Do you have a fake alias when
signing up for things over the internet? Jason LePlant
Why do you think so many people
skip breakfast? I myself am rarely hungry before like 2 pm
If sharks could fly, how screwed
would we be? Screwed dude screwed
What are the odds that you’re
crazy and in the loony bin right now, and only think the rest of
your life is real? Not good the orderlies would have stopped
some of these experiences.
What is the most exciting time
of the year? December 17
Do mimes get picked on too much?
Yes some of them are talented.
At what age would you like to
retire? 47
What new rule would you like to
add to the game of baseball? 4 outs in the 8th inning
What do you think of people that
fart but then deny it was them? They are stupid and farts are
funny and meaningful.
What is the best conversation
you’ve ever had? The size of two water bottles with Patrick.
Would you enjoy living in an old
fashioned log house for a month? Oh yah that would be cool.
When do you think the big
earthquake that will separate California from the rest of the US
will be? 3084
Will you be that upset about it?
Nope I will be dead as fuck.
Do you think Atlantis exists?
No but I think it did at one point.
Do you wish you were a triplet?
No I am unique and beautiful and that is the way I like it, in fact
I am a little pissed Jeff looks a lot like me.
When do you think Puerto Rico
will just accept it and become our 51st state? I have nothing
against Puerto Rico but I like the even numbers better than the
odds.
Do you think we’ll just take
over Cuba after Castro dies? No they seem to not want us there.
Which president named Roosevelt
is your favorite? Theodore
How good are you at Scrabble?
I am ok I never win though.
Have you ever knitted anything?
Yes if cross stiching is knitting.
How important is it to you that
this interview has 500 questions? I like this new trend so very
important.
If you could choose any music
singers career, whose would you chose to live? Quincy Jones
Do you think skip rope is
overrated? No it is getting the right amount of attention.
What is your guess for what
question number 417 is? Do you enjoy eel.
Do you ever see soccer becoming
the most popular sport in the US? No but I can see NASCAR
taking the spot.
How long will it take until the
whole world just speaks one language? Never unless god does
something drastic.
How many holes does a sock have
to have before it’s time to throw it out? 3 to 5
What’s the worst idea for a TV
show that you’ve ever seen? That new Tori Spelling show.
Do you secretly wish men carried
purses so that you could bring more stuff with you wherever you go?
No because I would lose it constantly.
How good are lions tamers at
taming lions? They better be damn good or else we will lose
that beautiful art.
Do you think birds take aim at
aim before shitting? No I think birds are dumb.
What do you think of dog shows?
Very boring except for when Triumph is there.
If you had to choose someone to
die with, who would you pick? Former New York Mayor Jake
Drotzman.
If you could change one thing
about the human body, what would you change? I would put a
third eye on the right elbow.
Do you think the quick brown fox
has ever really jumped over lazy dogs? What the fuck was that,
next.
Do you still read the comics in
the news paper? Yah but I was really pissed when The Far Side
and Calvin and Hobbes both retired within like three months of each
other.
What is the first thing that
comes to mind when you think of the number 53? The movie Rent
oddly enough.
Do what you think of the website
askjeeves.com decision to get rid of the picture of a butler as
their icon? Dumb they mean nothing to me now.
What is your favorite font?
Garamond
Do you think Wal-Mart,
McDonalds, and Microsoft will ever just merge? I could see it
but I think I would be the only fan of it.
What’s a restaurant you wish you
ate at more often? Red Lobster on the off chance I would see
Flavor Flav
What would you like to be able
to cook really well? Seafood
What number is most associated
with computers in your opinion? 01
Do you think Patrick will really
buy a wireless card for his computer, or is he just playing a cruel
joke on me? He did I am sorry it took me so long to answer
these.
Who is the most likely person
you know to be leading a double life? Neal Colford
If you could stay eternally
young, would you? No I am not enjoying my youth.
If you found out a girl you
really liked was cheating on you, would that be grounds for becoming
a ninja? If I just really liked her that is not technically
cheating so yes I will become a ninja gaiden.
If you had to pick a country for
aliens to invade and take over, which country would it be?
Canada so maybe they would probe some personality into them.
How sure are you that the USSR
is dead for good? Very unsure I still sometimes call that
region of the world USSR.
Are you concerned that Japan and
China are fighting? It only seems natural to me.
What is the most offensive
color? Puky pube purple
If in fifty years most people in
America would be black, would it suddenly not be ok to make jokes
about white people? That is an interesting question but it is
never ok to make fun of any race.
How much would you spend on a
really good pillow? $40
Do you think cats are secretly
plotting to take over the world? No cats are fucking lame.
Do you think there really is a
planet of living mattresses out there? No that is impossible
mattresses are inanimate objects.