1. What is a bad jump-roping memory?
I once farted while jump roping and a girl gave me a dirty look.

2. Which day of the week should be renamed?
Monday should be changed to my pants smell funny from the weekends activities day.

3. Do you ever feel signs of depression?
Only when I wake up in the morning I get over it at like 3pm.

4. Do you believe in ghosts?
No I believe in miracles.

5. Where is the last place you had a picnic?
My room on my bed.

6. Would you be willing to go to Kansas City this summer for a few baseball games?
Yes it is a nice stadium and it fun to heckle Mike Sweeney.

7. Do you wish you had the confidence of Dustin Kooima when he asked out the Live Entertainment girls from VF and thought he had a real chance?
yes he was very confident he was pretty much my opposite

8. Have you ever done well in a fantasy sports league?
god no I usually lose focus and forget I was in the league.

9. If you could learn to speak a different language, what would it be?
Australian

10. When is the last time you had really good pork chops?
When I visited my mom like a year ago she made husker chops which are phenomenal.

11. Will you ever give "The OC" a chance?
god no I already feel bad for southern California.

12. Who should be the next Twins bobblehead doll?
Matt Lawton

13. If you could make up a name for a lottery ticket game, what would it be?
hey loser here is the answer to all your problems.

14. What are you currently hearing?
Patrick talking about Toby Keith.

15. Do you think Craig will find true love in 2006?
he deserves it but no.

16. Who from your house will get married first?
Steve I don't have the money for my mail order bride and Patrick is just weird.

17. Which of your friends has the funniest laugh?
I get uncomfortable when people laugh.

18. Is there a secret you've never told anyone?
I make it a point to pee in the kitchen sink at least once at every place I live.

19. Did you move that trash can into Nick's bathroom the other night?
I don't think so did that happen?

20. What song gives you chills every time you hear it?
Strange Fruit

21. What cause would you most like to host a charitable benefit for?
hair plugs for hippies

22. How many times a day do you sneeze?
6

23. Do you think David Hasselhof could win a state governor election?
no I have heard him cuss too many times.

24. If you could play spin-the-bottle with any five celebrities, who would they be?
Michael Moore, Jack Osbourne, Molly Ringwald, Margaret Cho and Tyra Banks.

25. Would you consider going to a Dan Schreck concert?
yah but I am pretty awkward at concerts.

26. Do firecrackers scare you?
yes they do

27. What is the greatest Dennis Quaid film?
his best performance was in Great Balls of Fire but the greatest movie was Traffic.

28. What is eating Gilbert Grape?
the pressures of dealing with his dysfunctional family while having an affair and courting Julietee Lewis.

29. How many Tootsie Rolls do you eat a year?
maybe 5 I don't like them.

30. What would you most like to deprive Nick Sandbulte of for a week?
oxygen die mother fucker just kidding maybe his couch.

31. What celebrity do you have the least respect for?
Bill O Reilly                  

32. Have you ever seen a cloud that looked eerily like something?
no I am always the one who can't see the shape everybody else does

33. Will Arrested Development ever air new episodes again?
my gut feeling is no because god hates me.

34. Do you have an alter ego, like George Costanza with Art Vandelay?
yes Peter Pornbutter

35. Can you make cookies from scratch?
nope and I am pretty sure I would fuck up premade dough

36. What is your favorite memory from 1991?
going to target and exchanging some of my Christmas gifts.

37. What New Years party was the biggest flop?
the disastrous 1998 party when the Nintendo 64 stopped working.

38. Will Cooney and Streeter learn to love each other at Valleyfair this summer?
they say opposites attract so no.

39. In two words, describe your relationship with baby Jesus.
baby who?

40. Who would you most like to see trip and fall while walking down the sidewalk?
Paris Hilton

41. Have you ever stood under a waterfall?
yes it was awful

42. Does your mom like turkey?
yes the list goes 3. Jeff 2. turkey 3. Jason

43. Does your mom know anyone from Turkey?
that is entirely to personal to get into

44. Does Jeff like your taste in fashion?
no but he rips it off all the god damn time

45. Who will win the 2008 presidential election?
if all goes right Tina Turner

46. Would you ever run for a political office?
nope I have done entirely to many bad things

47. Do you have a good Salted Nut Roll story?
happily I was once talked out of eating a salted nut that someone had busted a nut on

48. What is one regret you have from 2005?
I didn't find true love

49. What were your New Years resolutions this year?
to die before I got old

50. Do you ever bite your cheek really hard while eating?
oh yah that shit blows

51. Have you ever spied on someone?
yah I use to like sleeping in living rooms and seeing when people went to the bathroom at night

52. How would you rate Super Bowl XL?
terrible

53. What is the biggest waste of money you have ever spent?
the hundreds of dollars I have spent on fruits and vegetables

54. Would you rather see a live toucan or a dead toucan?
I'd rather see toucan Sam rot in hell

55. What cereal character is the greatest of all-time?
king vitamin

56. What is one scenario you would like to see involving Patrick, a broom, and heavy rain?
Patrick is sweeping when it starts to rain heavy and he goes inside.

57. Do you enjoy getting caught in a frightening summer storm?
yah I lost my first wrist watch in my high school's basement during such a storm.

58. How many Twins games do you think you'll get to in 2006?
6

59. Do you like caramel topping on ice cream?
yah but I don't love it

60. What is your least favorite number and why?
26 because none of my pets ever lived to that age

61. Can you say the Pledge of Allegiance?
yes but I choose to sing free bird instead

62. Who is the ugliest singer?
Amy grant

63. Where would you be today without alcohol?
rich, skinny, and happier but fuck that

64. How often do you clip your toenails?
biweekly

65. What is your fondest memory from spring break '04 to Vegas?
the Utah night I became closer to everybody on that trip that night a bond was formed and that is probably the most honest response I will give for any of these 500 questions.

66. What is your fondest memory from spring break '05 to Detroit?
I loved the whole trip but probably eating at Subway on the way back.

67. What would have been your fondest memory from spring break '02 if we would have gone to Panama?
telling that bastard panama Jack to stop calling my mom.

68. Which MN pro sports team will win a title first?
The Swarm because they just rotate that amongst the four professional lacrosse teams.

69. Do you like plain bread?
no I like stuff on bread

70. Could you live in the Games office?
oh god if they let me I would live there all summer

71. Do you like pine trees?
I like the smell but I hate carrying them

72. Have you ever been so lost you cried?
yah it was like my hobby for awhile when I was younger

73. Do you know what a router is?
sex toy involving rotting trees

74. Do you know where I work?
MB, Inc. and my bed

75. Do you know what Patrick actually does at work?
yes he is in charge of shipping and receiving and being handsome

76. What will be your next frivolous purchase?
a gallon of milk

77. How many days till Christmas?
267

78. What state has the hottest men?
Minnesota seriously I have like a constant boner

79. What is the closest you've been to the hell?
I must be in hell if your grammar is this bad

80. Do you like Fruity Pebbles?
yes I do

81. What pole would you most like to visit--north or south?
north they won the civil war

82. How much fun could you have with $20?
a lot 1.75 of cheap vodka and three rented movies

83. What do the bumper stickers on your car say?
support out troops in desert storm, and some long thing about San Diego that I am not going out in the cold to figure out so that is just going to have to be good enough for I am not going to waste any more of my time answering this question so lets move on before I get mad and end this entire interview.

84. How many lacrosse games are you going to this year?
0 and I plan on being responsible for 3 not taking place

85. Do you think Wacky Wire is a timeless classic?
oh yah and I think anybody that can do it should be respected

86. What's the worst you've hurt your lip?
I cut my lip really bad last summer shaving.

87. What do your religious beliefs consist of?
I hope that if there is a afterlife I can just avoid it and sleep so I just have to avoid doing too many bad things

88. Who is your favorite fictional cat?
Fritz

89. How many people do you imagine are reading this, just shaking their heads, first asking themselves what the hell you're doing answering these questions, then asking themselves what the hell I was doing asking these questions, then asking themselves why they're wasting their time asking themselves these questions about why we did this?
I hope 8 out of 10 but that they are still enjoying it

90. How many closet Brian Setzer Orchestra fans do you think live in your house?
1 I fucking saw Steve doing the Stray Cat Strut in the shower

91. What song typifies 1998 for you?
Baba O Reilly

92. Do you smell better at day or night?
night

93. Do you know the lyrics to "The Sign" by Ace of Base?
well they are tattooed on my ass

94. What's a good story with you and falling?
I once fell into a lot of mud while attempting to catch an imaginary football

95. Tell us about your experience with Coolio.
That asshole called me out during a concert for not jumping during one of his songs and it was truly terrifying.

96. Do you miss goofy golf?
oh yah what a good game

97. Do you like to camp?
yah but I like almost anything else more

98. Do you like to hike?
no I get lost and lonely

99. What's the farthest you've ridden a bike since 2000?
my parents garage to the mailbox

100. Can you giggle loudly?
I am not sure what a giggle is but probably

101. How long could you wear a straightjacket without going crazy?
I really think a long time I am easily entertained

102. What movie makes you feel depressed most?
Cool Hand Luke or Magnolia

103. What "I Love the 80's" host do you like most?
Michael Ian Black

104. What "Seinfeld" character can you most relate to?
Elaine

105. Do you look forward to the day you can retire from the grind that is your everyday life?
yah that will be sweet I am sick of this rat race

106. Do you like to eat fortune cookies?
no no no they remind me of failure

107. What's the strangest snack you've ever eaten?
I once put cheese on some crackers

108. Looking back, what do you most question about yourself as a junior high student?
I was very shy and probably should have talked to a girl

109. The next five questions are the same.  Who is your best friend named Greg?
Smith

110. Named Lindsay?
Anderson

111. Named Todd?
Fuller

112. Named Jennifer?
Nguyen

113. Named Corey?
Baker

114. Who is your mortal enemy?
who ever makes initial eye contact with me in the morning.

115. Who was your boot camp roommate?
Cooney we rocked at the wait what the fuck does this question mean.

116. Of all your roommates from over the years, who was the messiest?
Travis from college he was absurd.

117. Does Patrick eat healthy to be healthy or to show you up?
he does it to show me up

118. How many times have you read your 100 question interview?  Cause I've read it like four times.
yah probably the same here I am funny

119. If you had a treadmill would you use it?
yah

120. Would you use it as some sort of drink-moving mechanism?
wow how did you know that

121. Would it be funny to see Jeff work as a dental hygienist?
oh my dear god yes

122. Who would give you the best run for your money in Trivial Pursuit?
you or Springer

123. Who would give you the toughest time in the radio game?
Mike Carlson

124. What movie is the most quotable?
Big Lebowski or Royal Tenenbaums

125. Would you ever suck on a tooth you lost in a fight?
If I ever got in a fight I would either be dead or in jail so fuck no

126. What is one question you're praying I ask you?
can we do this every week?

127. What climate suits your lifestyle best?
fall

128. If you could move to Ohio, what city would you choose?
Cleveland cause apparently it rocks

129. Do you like walleye?
yes but only in moderation

130. What is the love of your life?
movies

131. Do you like it when the temp is over 100?
only in a sauna

132. What one word can't you stand?
premies describing premature babies I hate that word.

133. The next five are the same.  Ryan Glanzer is to cheese as Jason LaPlant is to...
mushrooms

134. Patrick Lynch is to Tom Brady as Jason LaPlant is to...
Lance Armstrong

135. David Hyde Pierce is to Kelsey Grammer as Patrick is to...
mildly retarded monkey

136. Bozo is to clown as Steve is to...
poker playing grizzly bear

137. Jason is to beer as Nick is to...
the travel channel

138. What poems do you like?
I like short ones you have to think about

139. Can you rap?
I honestly can I use to freestyle but realized all my raps were about popular culture or my mom.

140. Is Stuart Scott underrated?
no he is overrated

141. Is Curt Schilling underrated?
no he is a pitcher

142. What sports city do you hate?
Toronto

143. What baseball matchup would you most like to see in person?
Twins vs. whomever LeCroy is playing for.

144. Name five singers who should join to form a band.
Eddie Vedder, Jessica Simpson, Kenny Rogers, Tracy Chapman and Ja Rule

145. Who's the biggest crybaby you know?
Apple Martin

146. What saying is getting old?
" stop picking at that"

147. What bank do you prefer?
Wells Fargo but I will fuck that up

148. Have you ever kissed an animal?
yah three different dogs and somebody's sister but I don't no what name would be funny

149. What's the grossest thing you've done to a sandwich?
rubbed it on a filthy floor took it outside rubbed it on a street and then made it go through my digestive system

150. What's the most humilated you've been in a sporting event?
I was suppose to be in this competitive eating event but decided to play rugby instead that was a bad choice

151. Who should have won last year's American Idol?
Bo Bice

152. When is the last time you played golf?
late last summer

153. What's your best-ever bowling score?
maybe 120

154. Would you like to attend a taping of Oprah?
oh yah they get free shit

155. Is pro wrestling fake?
no it is staged but it still hurts and people have died

156. Make a racist remark and then take it back.
Asians are good at math no I'm sorry they are not good at math.

157. Would you rather eat a butterfly or butter that had flies in it?
butterfly

158. When is the last time you drank cognac?
I bought a bottle when I lived in Omaha and it was awful

159. Do you ever wear makeup?
seriously as often as I can if it was socially acceptable and not related to being a Goth I would wear it once a month

160. Can you chew someone out and not feel bad about it?
no I always feel bad and wish I would have touched myself instead

161. Canada or Mexico?
Mexico seriously what does Canada have going for it

162. What is something I could say that would honestly hurt your feelings?
ok after ten minutes of thinking I have failed to come up with something

163. Urkel or Screech?
Urkel it is a matter of talent vs. no talent

164. Are the new episodes of The Simpsons worth watching?
yah but I have a lot of free time

165. Did Married with Children ruin Ed O'Neill's career?
no he has had several movies and shows after that and MWC gave him a career

166. What if Michael Richards had won the role of Al Bundy like he had hoped?
I think we would have been a lot worse off

167. Are the schools doing all they can to keep guns out?
nope there should be more metal detectors and fewer shooting ranges

168. Is prayer a good thing in schools?
I don't think they are a bad thing and I have never understood how they are dangerous beyond annoying the piss out of me.

169. One person who should not be allowed to drink again.
Robert Downey Jr. he has too much talent to waste it in rehab.

170. Is it okay to shoot someone if they committed a horrible crime?
yes just listen to beer for my horses

171. Do camels sweat?
I wish I could tell you but then I would have to look it up

172. Would you hate someone for bashing City of God?
actually I think most people will never see that fine film and a lot of people who have disliked it and I take comfort in that.

173. Who from our spring break '04 group of Liz, Patrick, Travis, me, and you will be married first?
I will say Liz unless they allow gay marriages then it is definitely you hahahahahahahahahaha

174. Who from that group is most likely to father an illegitimate child?
Travis I don't know many girls who would not jump at the opportunity

175. Do you like pixie sticks?
I am definitely indifferent

176. The next ten questions are alike.  Who comes to mind when you think of gum?
Floyd

177. Stairs?
Tony Hawk

178. Guitars?
Toby Keith

179. Bad grades?
Peter Jennings he was a high school dropout

180. Good breath?
Dentist

181. Nice rack?
wow the honest first person I thought of is really disturbing

182. Bad teeth?
Andre the Giant

183. Computers?
Bill Walton

184. Chimneys?
Santana Moss

185. Whiskey?
John Lennon

186. What's the best thing about "Honkytonk Badonkadonk?"
I will say choreography but the honest answer is everything

187. What's the best lyric from that song?
slap your grandma or the Glanzer remake slap your fucking grandma

188. Do you think Trace Adkins ever slapped his own grandma?
wow if he did he has huge balls to write a song about it

189. Would Steve consider making out with Trace Adkins?
I will ask Steve now " fuck no but if I had to that guy would dominate me so bad"

190. Finish the sentence.  How much for that doggy in the __________.
medical waste bag. 

191. Finish the thought.  All I want for Christmas are my ___________.
five senses

192. Can you remember the parts of speech?
I don't know what parts of speech means

193. Did you ever have a class in grade school called Vo-Wac?
nope unless that is what you called leaving study hall to go use the bathroom for ten minutes

194. Science or social studies?
social studies are neat

195. Two friends you want to see hook up.
Patrick Lynch and any girl that would make him happy

196. Two dogs you want to see attack each other.
I don't like dogs I am a decent human

197. What restaurant makes your mouth water just thinking about it?
Taco Bell

198. Right now how tired are you?
pretty tired I had to wake up at 6:30 pm

199. Do you collect anything?
witty bits of dialogue to use in later conversations

200. Are you part Indian?
I think so

201. Do you pray?
I think I have a on going conversation with a higher power

202. What's the best album of all time?
I can't answer that but my favorite is Nirvana Unplugged

203. What album gets too much credit for being great?
I love ok computer but it gets way too much credit

204. What Idol judge do you agree with most?
Randy Jackson

205. What is the optimum height for your potential partner?
8 foot

206. Where would you most like to see Patrick get a piercing?
nose

207. Would you do these interviews for a living?
oh yah I would do these for a nice high five

208. Do you think there's a psychological benefit to sleeping a lot?
no if anything I think too much sleep is psychologically damaging

209. Best Tim Robbins movie.
Bob Roberts

210. Best Tim Curry movie.
Muppet Treasure Island

211. Best Tim Wakefield movie.
that video I took of him eating a grape

212. What team do you most love to hate?
Yankees

213. Have you ever picked walnuts?
no but I would not be opposed to doing so

214. Do you remember your first trip to the theater?
The first trip I remember was to Lady and the Tramp and that ended in a trip to the hospital

215. Do you remember your first Rolaid?
you know I don't

216. Would you rather meet the cast of Friends or Everybody Loves Raymond?
Friends I find Brad Garret very annoying

217. Best Triumph sketch.
Star Wars line

218. Best 912 North Egan (TV series) moment?
the intro wear the light hits Nick's head nothing could beat that

219. Your shining moment as a DSU student was __________.
walking back from marketing piss drunk and very annoying

220. Smallest desk you ever sat in?
sixth grade music class we just had chairs they were that small

221. What size fitted hat do you wear?
no idea I look goofy as shit in hats

222. How many raspberry berets do you own?
you know every time I have looked at a second hand store I come away empty handed

223. What piece of mail makes you angriest?
unexpected bill

224. Are gingerbread houses fun to make?
no they are hard and taste funny

225. Can you scream really really loud?
no and I am scared to try

226. Is Elvis still alive?
no he is dead lets focus on finding Pac

227. Do you pass gas in public and blame it on other people?
oh god no I always take credit

228. Which relative, do you think, has the best chance of not actually being related?
I think I have a couple cousins that aren't related by blood

229. Best Tom Hanks movie.
Toy Story 2

230. What game show would you most want to appear on?
Beat the Geeks or Press your Luck

231. Who would you like to see interviewed on my site in the future?
Jeff LaPlant after we celebrate the shit out of his 21

232. Did Steve completely give up on finishing that interview I sent him?
I will ask him now " uh uh he says to put him on a deadline"

233. Do you buy new shoes very often?
nope that is like the one thing I still like having my mom buy for me

234. What is a good story involving you and orange sherbet?
I once felt bad for it so I mixed it in my sprite

235. Can you sound like a police siren?
no well let me ask Steve " with practice maybe"

236. Do hospitals make you feel warm and fuzzy inside?
no they make me think of getting poked

237. Can alligators do simple math?
no they chose those tails instead

238. Which country will win the Winter Olympics overall?
USA we rule

239. What is your take on the 2004 brawl between the Pacers and Pistons?
bad for the game good for my ego

240. Should there be more fighting in sports?
no I like the randomness of fighting

241. What time would you wake up tomorrow if you didn't set an alarm and went to bed at your normal time?
10:00 am

242. Is Paul Harvey America's sexual poster boy?
you know Glanzer sometimes your questions are really mean

243. What real name sounds made up?
Tom Sizemore

244. Best episode of Coach.
That one were Luther keeps trying to get on the field and keeps getting hurt

245. What kind of chicken do you like best?
an organically raised one seriously lets stop the blood shed

246. What sauce do you use most often?
ketchup I wish it was something else though

247. Would you like it if George Steinbrenner owned the Twins?
no fucking way I don't like that I know what he looks like

248. What kind of conditioner do you use?
usually I just have pert plus but I love Roundy's so I will start buying that

249. What country song has the best message to kids?
Live like you were dying

250. What kind of oatmeal tickles your fancy most?
I always wanted to try it with bananas in it

251. What was the longest bus ride of your life?
the ski trips in high school for church but those were the best part of the trip

252. What's the best DQ Blizzard?
chocolate ice cream with heath or reeses

253. Have you ever attended a championship game of some sort?
no I can't remember a team I really like winning a championship when I could of gone

254. Have you ever played on a championship team at any level of any sport?
not even close

Back to Top

255. Do you like Thai food?
never tried it but yes

256. What's the hottest thing you've ever eaten?
A peace of Patrick's Hot Ass (ok seriously Patrick wrote that when I wasn't looking and yes that is how he spelled piece)

257. If you could go through labor to see what it was like, would you?
no that would hurt

258. What individual day of the year do you hate most?
I dislike December 26

259. Have you ever feared for your VF job?
not really I am a good worker

260. What do you think you would have spent your money on if alcohol and DVDs weren't in the picture?
honestly I think I would have found something dumb.

261. Between you and Jeff, who will get the most action this summer?
hopefully me but it will probably be a draw

262. Do you watch the new Office on NBC?  I personally am a huge fan.
Glanzer you know I do and you know I like it

263. All-time, what one show would you be most upset if you missed?
honestly the Arrested Development Finale

264. What kind of bread do you use?
cheap bread

265. What is the best song by Bread?
ok I could look it up or give up.... give up

266. What is your favorite Christmas song?
Let Me Sleep it's Christmas Time by Pearl Jam

267. What was your favorite Christmas?
I think it was 1996 when we got the Nintendo 64 or when I got the walkman and the Boyz II Men tape

268. Did you ever play with Legos?
no that was Jeff's thing

269. Did you ever try to swallow a Lego?
no that was Patrick's thing

270. Have you ever le'go of someone's Eggo?
hehehe sadly no

271. What 80's TV commercial still rocks your socks off?
the one where the kid spills the KIX

272. Who's better--No Doubt or Gwen Stefani solo?
No Doubt it is a draw wow that was a dumb answer

273. Did you know about MSG--the substance in Chinese food that makes it expand, then retract in you?
no huh thanks for making this interview awkward

274. Is there a restaurateur that really chaps your ass?
fucking Tony Roma can kiss my Irish ass

275. What is the last movie you watched?
I am watching Matinee right now

276. What song rocks your socks off from "Pinkerton" the most?
Across the Sea I hope I die rocking my sock offs to that one

277. One more tear falling down your face doesn't mean that much to the world, does it?
no that you say it no I guess it doesn't

278. What suburb in this area do you most want to relocate to someday?
Jasontonia after I buy Burnsville and rename it that

279. Which of our living situations did you enjoy best when we were roomies?
when we shared the room in St Louis Park

280. What are you usually doing at 2:30pm each day?
recovering from laughing so hard at boy meets world

281. What do you get when you go to Arby's?
indigestion hahaha seriously it varies

282. Have you ever burned yourself badly?
yah I got a third degree burn on my calf from a moped

283. What's the worst you've stubbed your toes?
I never have

284. Do you think a llama will ever go into space?
no they are scared of heights

285. What did you think of the movie Armageddon?
it is a guilty pleasure

286. What movie has the best soundtrack?
the big chill or dazed and confused

287. How many baseball cards do you own?
10,000+

288. How often do you experience disappointment?
every time I look in the mirror

289. What's the worst casino experience you have?
I lost like $100 and then realized I had missed a fantastic deal on a plate of onion rings

290. What is one time you laughed at an inappropriate time?
I laugh at a picture I see on the news before I realize how tragic the story is a lot.

291. What's the best episode of Larry King Live you ever saw?
His yet to be made final episode that man is not a movie critic

292. Have you ever called into a radio station and won something?
nope I can never remember the number when I'm driving

293. Don't you know that things will change--things will go your way--if you hold on for one more day?
so I guess I better hold on huh

294. If you had a million dollars, what is the first thing you'd eat?
seafood platter out of a stripper's lap

295. Do you smoke to relieve stress?
I use to know I have to be pretty drunk to want one

296. Did you ever own one of those stupid clamping snapping bracelets that you slapped on your wrist and it wrapped around?
oh yah those were banned at my school because the metal would become exposed and hurt people

297. What Nintendo game gave you the toughest time?
fucking Zelda 2 was unplayable for me and I sucked at the Megamans

298. Will Ruben Sierra make the cut with the Twins this year?
only if it is the cut for coolest name

299. If I ordered you a free erotic birthday cake, what would you want on it?
a transvestite that you couldn't tell at first was a transvestite

300. If you hosted a late night talk show, who would be your first three guests?
JD Salinger, David Lynch and Daniel Day Lewis

301. You've got my lost brother's soul, my dear mother's eyes, and brown horse's mane, and my uncle's name.  What song am I talking about?
14th street that is weird I was going to ask you the same thing

302. Why'd you have to break all my heart?  Couldn't you have saved a little bit of it?
I could of but how would I sleep at night

303. What is your favorite non-pro sports team?
The greatest team ever assembled in the history of the universe in any sport

304. Have you ever scored a touchdown?
If I did it would have been in elementary school and I wouldn't have appreciated it

305. What comes to mind when I mention a Colorado Subway and a dirty ground?
I already referenced that in a previous question so I will say the condom machine in the bathroom

306. Describe your relationship to Travis Boultan.
he is a friend and a very considerate listener

307. Describe your most romantic memory with Travis Boultan.
hugging him passionately while sharing a bed for the night

308. What kind of wine hits the spot most?
cherry wine

309. What movie would you most want to live out in real life?
Brewster's Millions

310. What team or organization would you most like to see put on a Twinsfest-type event?
Boy Meets World fan club

311. If you got a letter in the mail from a particular business that seemed very strange to you, then later on, you met someone who worked at that business online, would you take that as a sign that you should marry that person?
I would definitely want to get in bed with that person but I would have to hear there laugh first

312. What  dance is your favorite?
the awkward drunk one

313. What was the worst karaoke performance ever?
anything Steve does the man can't sing

314. Have you ever applied for a credit card just to get some free promotional product?
yah but only half heartedly those things scare me

315. Do you like cabbage?
no thank you rabbits like cabbage

316. If heaven exists, where do you think it's at geographically?
probably at the bottom of the ocean

317. Why do you think clouds are associated with heaven?
people look up to associate with heaven and then they see those fluffy cock sucks

318. What movie did the song "Angel Eyes" by the Jeff Healy Band appear in?
Angel Eyes starring Jennifer Lopez

319. Do you know which TV shows Alan Thicke wrote the theme songs for?
Jeopardy

320. What alcoholic energy drink do you like best?
none they are to sweet

321. Do you think single parents are more attractive while driving a car?
oh yah if I see a car seat I think attractive

322. You have a knee problem.  What would you prefer the doctor do?
drain it I would like to see what comes out

323. You are about to learn a new program on a computer.  What would you do?
panic and ask someone to do it for me

324. A group of tourists has been assigned to you to find out about a wildlife reservation or park.  What would you do?
take them to the one hardees in the cities and give a oral history on the restaurant

325. Apart from the price, what would most influence your decision to buy a particular text book?
it would be nice if it were a art book involving nudity

326. Would you ever try eating alfalfa?
I think I have it was bland

327. These next five questions are taken straight from a real questionnaire about alcoholism.  Do you plan your day around when and where you can drink?
yes

328. Do you drink for the effect of alcohol without caring what the drink is?
no some stuff taste bad

329. Do you try to control your drinking by giving it up completely for days or weeks at a time?
yah it is nice to give my body a break

330. The morning after a heavy drinking session, do you often wake up lying next to someone unfamiliar?
I never have I usually isolate myself when I get too drunk

331. After a heavy drinking session do you see frightening things that later you realize were imaginary?
no they are usually nice

332. If you were told by a scientist you could go back to 1991 for three days, but then the guy wouldn't actually let you go, what would you do to him?
ask him why he keeps bugging me and insist we split the cost of lunch

333. What question has given you the best laugh so far?
how many Brian seltzer fans live in your house

334. Are there cobwebs in your room that you're just too lazy to clean up?
yah around the windows

335. Have you actually seen a tumbleweed slowly blow through a quiet town on a hot day?
maybe on the Vegas trip but I was too busy looking for smut to remember

336. Have you ever bought gum at a checkout line and then realized soon after that you really didn't want it?
oh yah I never finish a pack of gum and it gets annoying

337. Do you have any pure evil in you?
no my evil is conflicted

338. What's the kindest act you've displayed in the last year?
taking off Patrick's glasses when he passed out on the couch after he had yelled at me all night

339. Do you ever look at online pornography and then lie about it?
no I look at online pornography and want to talk about it

340. Do you ever fool people into thinking you're lying by actually telling them the truth?|
yah that is when you realize people think you are lying all the time which is kind of fun/depressing

341. How many seconds can you run all-out without stopping?
not going to try that so I will say 22

342. What do you think of Naomi Watts?
good actress her best movies are probably behind her though

343. What do you think of Wynona Judd?
I have never watched her in anything beyond a commercial and I find her arrogant

344. Do you draw Muslim cartoons anymore?
no my drawing is so poor people thought they were just more drawings of landscapes

345. What is your favorite puppet?
Franklin from AD

346. What is something you don't give a rat's ass about?
I don't give a rat's ass if Bobby Knight coaches 600 more games

347. Who is your all-time favorite Charles?
Schultz

348. What is something I'll never hear you say?
most of the programming on television is clever

349. Remember the Jesses of VF from '03?
oh yah they were my first crushes

350. Have you ever actually worn knickerbockers?
nope I like turtlenecks

351. Would you ever name a basketball team after a kind of pants?
yah the Honolulu Hiphuggers

352. Have you ever been given a fake phone number?
yah that shithead at the Home Depot didn't want my business

353. Which friend would make a great stand-up comedian?
Kyle Henning

354. When will you and Hunter Hubner get together for tea and crumpets?
when hell freezes over

355. Do you remember much from Fivel, the movie about the mouse?
I remember thinking the animation style was dreary

356. Remember that after-school special about Ralph the rat who rode the motorcycle?
no what kind of positive message would that provide

357. What is your favorite Schoolhouse Rock sketch?
I'm just a Bill but I never really liked that show

358. Should Steve have been a cowboy?  Should he have learned how to rope and ride?
oh yah cause what he is doing right now isn't working

359. Would you make love to Whoopi Goldberg with your dad watching for $1500 in DVDs?
sweet Jesus no but if my dad wasn't there hell yes

360. Would you watch your dad make love to Jennifer Love-Hewitt for Twins season tickets?
it would depend upon my viewing angle

361. Would you have cut your tongue off in the Lincoln era if it meant abolishing slavery?
I would like to think so

362. Have you ever bit your tongue really hard?
yah but not for awhile

363. Recall a time you pretended to be someone else on the phone.
I don't recall the phone but I use to pretend to be Jeff on messenger or the Realm all the time

364. Do you think Jesus wants people to take so much time out of their lives for him?
I think Jesus should be happy with whatever he gets

365. What is sadder--the fact that Arrested Development is off the air or that War at Home is still on?
Arrested Development off the air I can just not watch War at Home

366. What non-animated Disney movie would you most like to watch right now?
Airborne it was one of Jack Black's first movies also less importantly Seth Green's

367. Is Patrick leading a double life of some sort?
I know based on working with him at Jessen Press he is pretty much a Tyrant at work

368. Can you gargle straight whiskey and then spit it out?
I would like to try

369. Have you ever thrown a party when your parents left for a few nights and then they decided to come back early and you had to get everyone out and clean up in time?
not even close I was a videogame nerd if they came home early from a trip and saw some friends over they would offer to make a snack.

370. Have you ever tumbled down more than 15 stairs?
no I usually do that stumble off one and then land on my ass

371. Do you often wake up in the middle of the night with your extremities asleep?
yah it is usually my left arm

372. Have you ever suffered from frostbite?
I don't think so but I have been cold before

373. What is the closest you've come to seeing a UFO?
I thought I saw one when I was sleeping on our deck in Nebraska

374. Which Full House cast member do you think misses the show the most?
the guy who played Steve

375. What promotion would you most like to see at Twins games this year?
Lick LeCroy night

376. What is your favorite Lucas Brun memory?
sitting in the office talking about the days work and what we wanted to accomplish in the next 12 years

377. How many bible books can you name?
roughly 20-25 off the top of my head

378. Do you like air?
It is nice to have a supply of it get it Air Supply

379. Do you respect Michael Jordan or Phil Jackson more?
Neither of those ass holes deserve or care to get my respect

380. What planet is most likely to have life forms other than Earth?
Mars but I hope it is just plant life

381. Do you celebrate Halloween anymore?
barely this year I got drunk and bitched about people's Halloween costumes

382. What did you do for Groundhog's Day this year?
I completely forgot about it to be honest

383. What is your favorite Bill Murray moment in a movie?
"Can the boy tell time"  "Oh my dear lord no"

384. If you had to re-cast Kingpin, who would play Woody Harrelson, Vanessa Angel, and Randy Quaid's roles?
Pierce Brosnan, Naomi Campbell, Ed Harris

385. Do you know what it's like to be overwhelmed with anticipation and optimism only to have it all fall apart?
oh yah that is a very necessary part of life otherwise the things that don't fall apart wouldn't be that sweet

386. Which major US city would you like to commit a crime in?
Baltimore

387. Do you have a white t-shirt with BBQ sauce stains on it?
yah I am wearing that one the 21 of this month

388. How many times a year do you consult a map to help you find your way?
8 times but it never works

389. Are you good at ventriloquism?
no I was into it briefly after that episode of Doug but that quickly faded

390. How many of those after dinner mints can you eat before they get old?
maybe 3 those are icky

391. Do you think beavers are more artsy or clever?
clever those animals are very very clever

392. When is a good time to tell a lie?
when the truth is going to continue the awkward conversation

393. When is a time you must tell the truth?
never the truth can always hurt

394. Why do you call Tessie drunk so often?
because you always give me her number during the drunk phone call game and she is nice enough to answer

395. Do you think there's a girl out there that's just sitting by her phone, praying you'll call?
maybe mom but she wants to know how Patrick is doing

396. Do any of the Muppets scare you?
oh yah all the members of that weird band scare me

397. Can you eat raw meat of any kind?
no way my digestive system is fucked up enough

398. Does Chris Ahrendt scare you sometimes?
his potential for greatness terrifies me

399. When is the last time you were told to clean your room?
when I was packing up to move to college

400. What is your favorite Lara Flynn Boyle moment?
I like her but she doesn't have a moment that stands out for me

401. Can you ice skate?
I can barely walk on ice let alone put sharp blades on my feet and attempt it

402. Which Olympic event are you most likely to participate in one day?
Curling I am fascinated by curling

403. Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and chanted "Candyman" to see if he comes?
oh yah that movie scared me in like fifth grade

404. Do you like bird nests?
no I am always worried there are dead birds inside

405. What sport has the most boring halftimes?
Football because Basketball has those contest where fans take long distance shots

406. Do you want to own a digital camera?
no I would never use it

407. Can ponies eat kitties?
you know I don't think a ponies jaw would open enough to swallow a kitty

408. Would you be upset if someone considered you a swinger?
hell no and that is super weird we both asked the exact same question

409. Would you like to build a treehouse in Minneapolis?
I would prefer to build it up north

410. Do you often look at porn to escape reality?
that is the reason I look at porn

411. What word do you prefer when referring to someone's posterior?
junk in the Badonkadonk

412. Do you remember the Get-along Gang?
not at all

413. If you married Gretchen Wilson, would you even try to out-drink her?
no because than I would be to drunk to do anything with her

414. What's the dirtiest thing you would ever to in bed with Hank Williams, Jr. and Charlie Daniels?
wear my dirty boots to bed than they would kick me out

415. Would you ever eat gravel for a cheap laugh?
I would put it in my mouth but not swallow

416. What is a good memory you have involving a toilet brush?
I enjoy cleaning a dirty toilet and seeing all the crud fall off

417. What comes to mind when I say "on your marks!"
double dare

418. What prehistoric animal would most likely be your friend?
Wooly Mammoth

419. Do you ever eat cough drops as candy?
no they ruin my taste buds for hours afterwards

420. Does everyone know what time it is?
actually I have heard the majority of people have no idea what the correct time is

421. Is Tim Allen a sex symbol?
he use to be then he made The Shaggy Dog

422. Do you ever prance in the nude?
When I lived alone I did often I cooked nude too

423. Yogurt or water chestnuts?
water chestnuts they taste funny

424. Blackberries or mink fur?
Blackberries mink fur is barbaric look at how pc I am

425. Snot or loogies?
snot loogies is a term for elementary school

426. Hairy teeth or bald heads?
definitely bald heads hairy teeth brings up to many different mental images

427. What memory of Patrick and a girl makes you laugh the most?
every time I watch him dance at a bar with a random girl

428. Where is a good place to get fried chicken?
KFC or my dad makes excellent fried chicken

429. Are used tampons as disgusting as they're made out to be?
I believe so I don't like the way tampons look dunked in kool aid

430. Why do camels have two humps and not six?
that is just they way it is and god is weird

431. Have you ever taken constructive criticism very badly?
yah usually on English papers

432. What chore around the house do you hate most?
waking Patrick up on a Saturday or cleaning the sink after the weekend

433. Do you hate Donny Most?
I use to but we talked about our differences

434. Can you sing songs word-for-word after hearing them less than ten times?
I can usually come damn close if I like the song

435. What Bon Jovi songs are your favorite and least favorite?
Bed of Roses is my favorite and Dead or Alive is my least

436. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle?
nope I have straddled one though

437. Have you ever been to Mt. Rushmore?
yah I was real young though and there are entirely too many pictures of me picking my nose

438. Have you ever eaten something from an Easy Bake Oven?
oh yah I asked for and got one of those like 4 years ago they are great

439. If you had to order food in right now, where would you call?
Brugers Bagels

440. Soup Nazi or Puffy Shirt?
Soup Nazi it is overplayed but still a funnier episode

441. The NYU girl reporter who thought Jerry was gay, or the girl from the AIDS Walk list?
NYU girl I don't remember exactly what the AIDS walk girl looked like

442. Finale or pilot of Seinfeld?
Final the first season of Seinfeld combined was lamer than the lame finale

443. Lamest TV show finale ever?
Roseanne the last season was all a dream that was so dumb

444. Episode of a TV show that never ever gets old?
the Seinfeld where Kramer gets the old Merv Griffin set

445. Three shows most likely to go to TV Land in the next year?
Seinfeld, Wings and Newsradio

446. Three Stooges or three little kittens?
Three Stooges

447. Would Terry Mulholland and your dad make good hunting buddies?
well my dad doesn't hunt but yes yes they would

448. Can your dad make good chili?
oh yah last Christmas he made some great chili

449. Does Pat Summit deserve to coach in the NBA?
Yes she does but I don't think it would work in the current state of the NBA

450. Can you quilt?
I use to be able to cross stitch but I also use to be able to cook muffins

451. Who are three people you would take a bullet for?
Ron Hubner, Richard Hatch and Ron Howard

452. What female athlete would you most likely stalk?
If I had the resources I would find out who the best female bowler was and pursue her

453. Do you believe in the saying "ask and ye shall receive?"
no I believe in ask and hope the request is not to annoying

454. Do you know the Lord's Prayer?
oh yah I have known that since like second grade I don't think I could forget it

455. Do you like NASCAR?
no I can't keep track of what's going on and the feuds seem forced

456. If you knew I watched the Blair Witch Project five times a week and knew I would be crushed if someone told me I had a problem, would you confront me on it?
no way that would be to amazing to ever ruin

457. Do you think I am too quiet?
no you do a good job of speaking up but you don't keep talking to the point that it gets annoying

458. When is a situation you might find yourself whimpering?
my dog dies

459. Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?  Who the hell wants black wool?
that damn Martha Stewart that is what she really went to jail for

460. Are you offended when people talk about homosexuality?
no I am never going to change anybody's mind about and straight people who do get offended are annoying

461. Would you defend Vincent if Steve and Patrick were making too much fun of him?
probably not Vincent takes as good as he gives

462. Have you ever dieted?
very briefly for like a day and then I forget the rules I set

463. Waterpark or lake?
Waterpark hands down

464. Bumblebees or caterpillars?
Caterpillars

465. Baltimore or Washington DC?
DC

466. Ray Lewis or Tedy Bruschi?
Ray Lewis

467. Which Friends character was the loser of the group?
in Reality it was Phoebe she was so  insecure she was incapable of a serious comment

468. Do you notice a bad habit of mine that you've never brought up before?
when I say to rub lower you rarely do

469. When is the last time you played Patty Cake?
June 16 1987

470. When is the last time you called Patrick Patty Cake?
June 16 2005

471. Have you ever eaten at a Vietnamese restaurant?
I have not but I would like too

472. Do you think you could recycle for the rest of your life?
nope I know it would be a good idea but I am forgetful and I would do it to spite Patrick

473. What is your favorite picture of yourself?
when I was five in my brown suit

474. How many dimes are in your car?
zero I am constantly looking for change in there

475. Is beastiality wrong?
it depends upon which animal

476. If you I was president and offered you a cabinet position, which would it be and why?
Agriculture they must get some good meals

477. Little Mermaid or Splash?
Little Mermaid I have never seen splash

478. Rascal Flatts or Little Rascals?
Little Rascals because Sara Beth shouldn't be scared to death

479. Honky-Tonk Badonkadonk or Sara Beth?
oh the badonk it is like comparing bliss to crying

480. CMT Countdown or Rick Dees and the Weekly Top 40?
CMT Countdown it is really easy to get into when drinking

481. Ryan Seacrest or Rick Springfield?
Seacrest he is a bitch but he's my bitch

482. Do you hold a grudge against a friend from Auburn?
not really I wish I would have stopped hanging out with some people sooner

483. Have you ever made a girl cry?
yah my mom wasn't happy when I dropped out of college

484. Overall, will people gain or lose respect for us after reading these interviews?
probably lose respect seriously this is great but absurd

485. What is something you would qualify as fun as hell?
pinball

486. Do you think someone you know from Valleyfair has ever appeared in an online porn video?
yah but I am not going into details 

487. What color do you think of when I say Captain America?
blue

488. Anaheim Angels, California Angels, or Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim?
California Raisins

489. Richard Dreyfus or Paul McCartney?
Paul McCartney Richard Dreyfus stopped trying

490. Which televangelist would you like to perform your wedding ceremony?
Tammy Faye Baker I actually have a lot of respect for her

491. If you could be the bachelor on ABC, would you do it?
oh yah it would be sweet to kiss a girl

492. If you could dress like Urkel every day, including black makeup, would you do it for free groceries and gas for life?
yah you got to figure I could pay for rent some how doing that

493. Recall a time you threw a rock at something.
we use to hit rocks with tennis rackets onto our neighbors roof

494. Best bet you ever made.
I like making bets on movies because win or lose I get to talk about movies

495. Best set of twins you know.
Drotzmans

496. Write a sentence you think has never been said in the history of mankind.
The important thing about aluminum and the TV show  Dream on is that they were at one time shiny.

497. Do you know the major pronouns?
nope and god help me if I ever learn them

498. Is Captain Crunch gay?
no fucking way

499. Are you as amazed as me how often me not liking cheese comes up in conversation?
I really am I think I am almost as annoyed by it as you are except for when I bring it up

500. You're done.  What are you going to do now?
go check my oil peace I'm out