Hello Mr. Lynch, how are you today?
I am feeling pretty good today. Jason woke me up last night at 2:30 when he got home with Steve after seeing Travis and Jonny play at the Steak Knife, just to say he loves me and to spoon with me.

What are you doing these days in Minneapolis?
Well, this year I am living with Steve—my roommate for the last four years. Yes, four years. I also get the pleasure to live with Jason LaPlant. This will the first time I officially live with him, although I did live with him in St. Louis Park two summers ago.  I live in a duplex with the bottom unit ours. The first time since I moved out we found some cool guys that live above us. Also so far this is my favorite place I have lived.

Tell us about your new living arrangements.
Well, if you really want to know, I am finishing up my last semester of school over at MCTC and I am pumped for it to be done.  I also work at my uncle’s printing company where I am preparing for a career there. In what, I really don’t know yet but, I think it will be sales.

Do you see yourself making a career out of Jessen Press?
I just answered that question.  I will make a career out of Jessen Press. Why not? I like the people I work with and the hours are good.  What else do you need than that?

How was the recent Weezer concert you attended?
The Weezer concert was fucking awesome. Weezer was not as good as they were the last time I saw them in XCel. But they are Weezer and that means a good show.  They only played for about hour and a half, so I didn’t get to hear all the song I wanted to hear.  The best part of the concert, I thought, was Foo Fighters. Dave, the lead singer of Foo Fighters, can fucking rock. Shit, I was dead after the Kaiser Chiefs and Weezer. But they played for almost two hours.  I was spent at the end of the concert. The concert played for four and half glorious hours. Just say the next day at school was less than fun.

With Christmas just around the corner, how much do you plan on spending on presents?
Well, I will see how much love I get before the holiday. That is first, and then I will think how many have been naughty or nice.  But over all, somewhere between $200 - $300.
 

"The smooth Lynch charm somehow got lost after my brother, because it's not working for me."

Who would you like to see as the ring bearer and flower girl at your wedding?
Well, for the ring bearer I would have to say Torii Hunter. It would be the coolest thing to have Torii do that for a fan, as long as he doesn’t lose it like his spoon all the time in the commercials. Now as the flower girl, well, she has to be nice and cute so I would have to say my roommate Steve.  Man, when he has long hair, he has to be the prettiest man I have ever seen.  He is really the sexiest long hair man on the planet.

What is your most memorable moment from one of your visits to Madison over the years?
Well, if I really have to pick the most memorable time in Madison, I would have to say first, I am cheating and I am picking two times. First was the best entrance to any one house I have ever seen and ever been involved with. It was Travis, Luke and I, and we were driving down to visit and we stopped right before South Dakota and Travis said “Something’s wrong.”  Luke said, “What?” Travis said, “Why aren’t we drinking?” So we drink on our way to Glanzer’s and as soon as we see his house, Travis puts on the e-brake and does a perfect—I mean perfect—slide parking job right in front of Glanzer’s house. It was just like the movies. As we get out, Glanzer has a face in awe, as we come out with empty cans hitting the ground. It was priceless.  Another good time was the first time I bonded with Jason LaPlant.  Jason came up from Omaha and I came with Travis. We were tipping back a few brews, or a whole bottle of brandy. So we are drunk and one of us finds a plastic gun that shoots plastic pellets. So we shot each other a couple of times and got some good picks with it. Well as everyone but Jason and I go to bed, that is when it gets crazy. We are just gone and we start shooting ourselves at least thirty times each along with the help of Brandon, who I think was getting too much fun out of it.  This goes on for hours. About four in the morning, it’s time to go to bed. I awoke the next morning with Jason cuddling on the futon with me. But that isn’t the weird part. Jason was sleeping on the floor when we went to bed. Ever since than we have been good friends.

Do you think you'll ever return to Valleyfair as a guest?
Maybe. Oh wait, maybe if hell freezes over and I get a free pass. I have to spend no money and Ron gives me a hug. And I leave by a manager escorting me out.

What would you say is the stupidest thing you've ever done?
So many to pick from, but I would have to say one of the best was in Las Vegas. We were walking to the Strip when I saw Tony Stewart’s race car and I tried to do a slide over the hood, but I didn’t slide… I kind of just put a big dent in the hood. The security guard was not happy. I forgot to tell you it was roped off so people couldn't touch it.

How much is too much to drink in one night?
When you pee your pants.

What is your favorite story involving Mike Burke?
Steve said, “I peed on my dad.”

Are their any ladies in your life right now?
Well, there are one or two girls that I have been trying, but the smooth Lynch charm somehow got lost after my brother, because it’s not working for me.  Or the fact that only I see them once or twice a month. Or the last time, when the girl I liked came over I was passed out in front of Jason’s door. So I don't know what to say the situation is.

Do you think there can ever be another trip like the spring break trip to Las Vegas in '04?
No, not a chance. That spring break was sweet.  The people I went with were all cool but one person (Jason), but I won’t say who it was.  It was better then I could have imagined. There is a spring break for this year in motion as we speak. So maybe we can try.

Would you support the idea of a third Carpenter Bash in 2006?
Would I?! Where else can I drink all day long, drive four-wheelers, shoot 22’s, play goofy golf, and go skinny-dipping all in one day. To top it all off, Glanzer’s mom’s cooking, that is what I call good home cooking. If only it was every weekend.

If Dan Schreck and Dan Martin were tied to a train track with a train coming at them full-speed and you were their only hope for survival but you were at a Twins playoff game, what would you do?
Well, I first need to ask what game in the playoffs this was, because that is going to make a big difference. I would first call Steve to see if he could do it for me. If he couldn’t, I would call everyone I knew and see if they could do it. By that time I would decide what to do; I think I might just be too late. So I could go back and enjoy the game. No just kidding, I guess I would leave the game and save them.

If there could be another big road trip, who would go and where would it be?
Well that is what is in motion. If there will be another big road trip, it would be the guys: Jason, Jeff, Glanzer, Brad, Steve, and myself.  It would be nice to have Travis, but he is really busy with the Minnesota trio.  And where we go?  Only the place that wants us the most will get the privilege to host us. Hint: we may have been there before.

If you could mix a very disgusting drink and make your roommates drink it, what would you mix?
I would be nice. It would only be old milk, scotch, olive oil, garlic, onion, boiled beer, and one raw egg. All garnished with scabs.

Of all your teeth, which is your least favorite?
Most likely, my back right-side molar. I can brush it eight times a day, and it never feels clean.  And it does nothing in the chewing process.  It is the bum tooth.

Would you rather have season tickets for the Twins or be homeless? (This question is worded correctly.  It was supposed to be a confusing no-brainer question.)
Have Twins tickets, I don’t want to be homeless. And I think the question should be worded differently. But I see what you are going after. So either way it is the Twins tickets.

Where is the best place you know of to eat breakfast?
Al’s.  It is a hole-in-the-wall diner that seats like six people. If you didn’t know it was there, you couldn’t find it.  It's that small.

What do you think the Twins should do to improve this offseason?
To start off, good question, Mr. Glanzer. Well, I think that they have to definitely make some changes, but I don’t think that they need to as much as people say. Starting with pitching. Keep Santana, Silva, Radke, and Liriano, and with a little more work, Baker. That’s a good rotation. Bullpen, keep Nathan, Crain, Guerrier, Rincon, and Terry [Mulholland] for shits and grins. Batting, keep Stewart, Hunter, Jones, Mauer, Cuddyer, Bartlett, Ford, LeCroy, and Morneau. One more season to see what he is made of. There are others but those to me are the main players. But out of anything that needs to be done is we need OFFENSE.  We need a big time hitter or someone who can hit the ball on a regular basis. Our pitching is awesome, one of the best in the league, but when the team average for batting is one of the worst, it doesn’t get you in the postseason.  I am going to stop there because the year was hard and I can talk about this for a couple of pages, so I will stop. The only thing good that came out of the year is that the fucking stupid Yankees lost in the first round.

Thanks for your time, Mr. Lynch.  Any closing remarks?
The Mike Burke question was answered by Steve last night. I was telling Jason some of the questions and I said that question. I think that Steve thought I said “what the best story from being born is.” By the way, he was drinking.