Hilarious Quotes: 1-50
Finally, an archive to all of your favorite classic quotes. Everyone loves a good quote, and all the best ones that I know of are here for all to see. Sorry if anyone here is offended by their misspoken words being printed. Okay, I'm not that sorry. Special thanks go out to Liz Burke and Nick Sandbulte for their large contributions to this page!
Quotes #51-100 101-150 151-200 201-250
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Patrick Lynch, on soup. "Good soup is good. I really like good soup. But bad soup is bad. But a good bowl of soup is really good." |
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Dad and me, in a minivan in
Sioux Falls at a stop light. Me: "Wouldn't it be funny if when the light turned green, you floored it and our front end went way up off the ground and flames shot out the back?" Dad: "Goddammit, it's a front-wheel drive, the front tires would never come off the ground!" |
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Cleo Glanzer, on Jordan dating a
Peurto Rican man. "Why are you always going out with those Caucasian men?!" |
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Kramer, his one line in the Woody
Allen movie he is eventually kicked out of. "These pretzels are making me thirsty." |
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Travis Boultan, when asked in Las
Vegas if he wanted to buy drugs. Drug Dealer: "Do you guys wanna buy some good pot?" Travis: "Screw Celine Dion!" |
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Scott Mackenzie, 3D Design
professor, on different textures we can use on surfaces. "I got marble... I got trees... I got water... I got wood. I got lots and lots of wood." |
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Sheldon Rahn, telling me and Chris
Ahrendt about his new place he's renting. "Yeah, it's pretty sweet. There's a shelf above the bed." |
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Jacque Jones, in my attempt to
strike up a conversation about our favorite football team,
the Chargers, while I waited in line for an autograph. Me: "Well, at least the Chargers have LT in the Pro Bowl." Jacque: "Uhh, yeah, he does... that... thing, yeah. Who's next?" |
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Mark Theisen, to Ryan Walker's
girlfriend Jessica. "You remind me of a cow we once had." |
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Lew Ford, being interviewed by
Twins broadcaster Marney Gellnar. Marney: "Lew, you've been a hot hitter lately. Are you doing anything differently?" Lew: "No." Marney: "Are you taking extra batting practice?" Lew: "No." Marney: "Are you adjusting your swing." Lew: "No." Marney: "Uhh, what is the reason then?" Lew: "I'm just a good hitter." |
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Kayla Sylvester, on a rant about
people. Kayla: "I hate everybody." Me: "Even Cooney?" Kayla: "Especially Cooney." |
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Justin Springer, as we pass the
sign entering Ohio. This quote never died, even months
after. "Ooooooooooo-HI-ooooooooo!" |
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Jordan Krogman, on my arrival back
home from college for the first time in months. "I swear to God if you so much as think about playing the piano I'll cut your testicles off!" |
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Joey DeCarlo, to a group of
12-year old girls playing MooBall with me standing alongside
him. "I'm three years younger than this guy and I'm a team lead and he's just a regular game op." The girls look unimpressed. "Hey, wanna see my freakishly large biceps?" The girls look confused. "Uhh... I can throw a baseball 99 mph." |
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Jesse Van Heukelom, as written on
a postcard. "I feel on a pole and it my stuck up leg." |
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Cooney, numerous times. "Horseshit!" |
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Ron Hubner, as heard over the
radio at Valleyfair after I inadvertently got Patrick kicked
out of the park. "Ryan Glanzer? Patrick Lynch has been escorted out of the park." |
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Me, confusing my Illustrator
classmates. "I would say on a scale from one to ten, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest, that I'm pretty happy overall with my picture." |
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Igor Cyran, begging me to take him
out. "Ohh, Ryan, you must take me to disco." |
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Derrick Geiszler, playing Trivial
Pursuit Jr. Chris: "What time of day do vampires come out?" Geiszler: "10pm." |
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Joe Staudenbaur, Sculpture
professor, talking about clay-shrinking tests. "Shrinkage is a huge factor. Mine was six inches, and now it's 4 3/4. Something to look into." |
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Kramer, on two animal acts on the
same fictional show in his apartment. "Two animal acts in the same show? What is this, amateur hour?" |
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Amanda Geditz and Patrick Lynch,
on Minneapolis parking lots. Amanda: "Why is this lot $20 and that one across the street only $2?" Patrick: "Because you can tailgate at this one." Amanda: "But that sign says 'no tailgating.'" Patrick: "Oh, well, yeah, but people do it anyway." |
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Bilal Mohommed, every time we
crossed paths. "So, Ryan, what time are you off today?" |
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Carol Irvin, asking about my rack
of ribs I was eating. "Do those bones bend, or are they just shaped like that?" |
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Craig Kargilynan, after hours of
prodding, finally revealing his deepest, darkest secret. "AJ Pierzynski can't take a shit at night." |
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Dan Martin, lying to new Games
employee Mai Vang about the way to her game. "Yeah, it's called Broomball. It's out by the employee parking lot." A confused Mai begins walking towards the parking lot. |
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Patrick Lynch, on why Barnes and
Noble is better than libraries. "I like Barnes and Noble better because, like, you don't have to buy the books there. You can just read them." |
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Cleo Glanzer, commenting on my
good writing skills. "You's smart in English, just like me." |
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Kramer, as he drinks a full mug of
beer while smoking a cigarette simultaneously. "Here's to feelin' good all the time." |
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Patrick Lynch, while watching
History Channel. "I have my idea of what I believe but that's all I know and that's all I want to know." |
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Travis Boultan, on strip clubs. "If there's a wife I never had, it's a strip club." |
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Jason LaPlant, on Patrick changing
channels. Patrick: "Go to channel 19 for a second." Jason: "Go to hell for a lifetime." |
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Mark Theisen, on 8-year old girls. "They're so... pure. I just want to make them unpure." |
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Nick Sandbulte, on his high school
girlfriend. Chris: "Was she attractive?" Nick: "Well... no." |
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Nicky Volin, on our trip to see
Bon Jovi. "Okay, Glanz. Two ground rules for the trip. No girls, and no drinking." |
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Mark Thesien, on lesbianism. "I think I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body." |
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Me and Nicky Volin,
discussing a strange photograph of what Nicky believed to be
a naked woman at first glance. Nicky: "Hey, Glanz, I see you got pictures of naked chicks in your room!" Me: "Nicky, that's you." |
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Jason LaPlant, leaving a long gay
message on Justin Parks' voice mail. "I want you inside of me." "Move in with me. I can support us both." |
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Liz Burke and me, working
at Valleyfair, screaming the words to "Is She Really Going
Out with Him," not noticing customers want to play our game. "Is she really going out with him? Is she really gonna take him home tonight. Is she really going-- oh, can I help you?" |
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Luke Katuin, first thing I hear
when Luke calls and I answer my phone. Luke: "Glanzer, we're going to buy the Minnesota Twins." Me: "Okay." |
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Dustin Davies, in the Sioux Falls
Toys-R-Us, foolishly buying an overpriced Nintendo 64. Cashier: "Uhh, we have Nintendo 64 units that come with a second controller on sale. They also come with a game, and they're twenty dollars cheaper than this one." Davies: "Fuck it." |
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Brandon Hanson, finding out that
the secret he entrusted me with about his sexual encounter
was spread from South Dakota to Michigan and back in a
matter of hours. Brandon, yelling up to my room: "GLANZER!!! Who all did you tell my secret to?" Me: "No one." |
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Jason LaPlant, to Kim Weber
outside the Valleyfair locker rooms, just as manager Ron
Hubner walks by. Jason: "So Kim, you wanna make out?" |
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Me, to Jake Drotzman after Josh
Schuh threw a shoe at him. Me: "Jake, you should throw your Drotzman at him." |
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Patrick Lynch, informing me why
Mickey Mantle passed away. Patrick: "That's why Mickey Mantle died; he had no livers." |
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Craig Kargilynan, as we near our
return to Madison after a spring break trip to Detroit and
Toronto. "We're really doing this, aren't we guys!" |
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Liz Burke, informing me that
AmericInn's headquarters are located in her hometown. "That's right, Chanhassen is home to both AmericInn and Prince. Put that in your twat and smoke it!" |
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Chris Ahrendt, annoyed by a kid in
his class who asks stupid questions. "That's why people should carry handguns, for idiots like that." |
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Patrick Lynch, while playing the
drinking game Ride the Bus at Korky's in Yale. "Everybody on the bus, choo-choo!" |