Hilarious Quotes: 51-100
Finally, an archive to all of your favorite classic quotes. Everyone loves a good quote, and all the best ones that I know of are here for all to see. Sorry if anyone here is offended by their misspoken words being printed. Okay, I'm not that sorry.
Quotes #1-50 101-150 151-200 201-250
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Charlie Ahern, on how drunk he was
one night. "Man, we were just fucking shit-fuck annihilated." |
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Mike Carlson, when asked why a
shark prize was in the damaged prize bin at Valleyfair's
games warehouse. "Maybe it has a broken heart." |
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Jeff Gwost, in an attempt to
persuade co-workers to go to a movie and not an employee
event. "Fuck water park night!" |
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Me, to Travis Boultan at Denny's. Travis: "Oh, man, I'm full." Me: "Full of shit, finish those fries!" |
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Jason LaPlant, lying about being
Jewish. "Did you know that Cake played at my bar-mitzvah?" |
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Mike Carlson, as Liz Burke gives
him orders at Valleyfair. Liz: "Let's go to Scales." Mike: "And by Scales you mean go on a date?" |
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Colin Mangold, angry with Luke
Katuin. "That skinny bastard! I'm gonna push him over the next time I see him." |
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Joe Allen, when asked about his
malfunctioning car. Liz: "Why does your radio blink green sometimes?" Joe: "I don't know. It's that time of the month I guess." |
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Random Kid, excited to ride
Hydroblaster at Valleyfair. "Hydroblast me into the future!" |
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Patrick Lynch, when asked by a
bartender if he needed anything else. "No thanks, we're deliciously done." |
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Jason LaPlant, offering to die. Liz: "Where are you going?" Tim: "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Jake: "Tell Jason!" Jason: "I'm ready to die!" |
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Jason LaPlant, talking with
Patrick about an Irish song. Patrick: "It's an Irish song called 'Fuck You, I'm Drunk." Jason: "I think I've heard that one before... Oh wait, that's what my mom was singing when I came out of the womb." |
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Jason LaPlant, about to drink. Liz: "Jason, you're so funny!" Jason: "Just wait until I get the magic potion in me!" Colin: "It's called alcohol." Jason: "If you think that's funny, wait until you find out the magic potion is semen!" |
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Jason LaPlant, wearing a shirt the
wrong way. Jake: "Jason, your shirt is on inside-out!" Jason: "Who am I, the pope?" |
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Jon Purcell, on New York's rat
problem. "The rats in New York are huge! I saw one hail a cab. I'm serious! I bummed a cigarette off a rat once!" |
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Colin Mangold, on Patrick Lynch's
ramblings. "Do you ever just listen to yourself and say, 'Jesus, I don't make any sense?'" |
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Patrick Lynch, very drunk. "Are you about time back Sally?" |
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Joe Allen, on his mother and Bill
Cosby's relationship. "My mom had sex with Bill Cosby." |
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Casey VanHeel, answering the phone
at work. "Gunball, this is Tony Danza." |
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C.M., on stray cat Br'er
Puss's arrogance. "Throw him outside. That will take him down a notch!" |
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Kristi Crooks, on hobos. Liz: "Do you think it will be okay if I wear this (sweatpants to church)?" Kristi: "Well, there will probably be some hobos there." |
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Jason LaPlant, playing a new board
game. Me: "You're at a bar, and you suddenly realized you had too much to drink. What do you do?" Jason: "Throw up." |
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Jason LaPlant, on his friendship
with Luke Katuin. Luke: "Why are we such good friends?" Jason: "I don't know... sexual attraction?" |
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Mark Theisen, on paying for
supper. Mark: "Rachael and me went to Subway." Ryan Walker: "Who paid? You or her?" Mark: "Well, she was the one who was hungry." |
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Matt Thompson, Games seasonal
manager, noticing my many downfalls, as I rushed into work
late. "You need to get white shoes. And don't wear black socks either. Aren't you late? You should probably shave." |
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Jason LaPlant, on all clean towels
being in the wash. "Old skanky towel... problem solved!" |
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Mom, her song she made up about
about breakfast. "What do you want for breakfast, what do you want to eat? Would you like some cereal, or a piece of meat." |
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Jason LaPlant, leaving a gay
message to Justin Parks. "I'm gonna make this short and sweet... just like you." |
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Me, after being called on having
paid no attention to what was being said in Drawing class. Alan Montgomery: "Ryan, do you have anything to add about this image?" Me: "Uhh... I think it's funny that it looks like there are six fingers, but there are really only five." Alan: "We just spent the last fifteen minutes talking about that." |
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Mark Theisen, on God. "I bet God is a supercomputer." |
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Ryan Knerl, inviting me to a
Vikings game while very intoxicated. Knerl: "You and me, we're gonna go to the Vikings game this weekend." Me: "Isn't it a bye week?" Knerl: "No, they're playing the Twins. I think." |
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Liz Burke, on an intriguing
mission. "There's a prosthetic limb in the back of the RAV that I really need to get to the post office." |
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Patrick Lynch, when confronted by
a felon. Felon: "Do you want to buy this 5-disc CD changer?" Patrick: "We don't have a CD player." Felon: "No, I have a CD changer. I'm asking you if you want to buy this one." Patrick: (in very sincere voice) "Oohhh, I'm sorry. We're not for sale." |
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Dad, walking into the house after
a long day's work, only to hear me SCREAMING the Chipmunks
Christmas song while playing the piano over the phone to
Granny. "Shut the hell up!" |
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Carly Frederick, working at Scales
for the first time ever after receiving no instruction on
how the game works. Guest: "Can you guess my age?" Carly: "Forty." Guest: "Nope." Carly: "You win." |
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Mark Theisen, on paying a girl
back for a movie. Nick: "Are you at least gonna pay her back for the movie ticket?" Mark: "Of course I'm gonna pay her back." Nick: "With money?" Mark: "Nick, why do you always have to get so technical." |
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Georgi Yanchev, on Jason's
drinking. "Jason, you drink too much." |
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Daniela Markova, on Jason's
drinking. "Jason, you drink too much." |
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Igor Cyran, on Jason's drinking. "Jason, you drink too much." |
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Jeff LaPlant, on Jason's drinking. "What is this, amateur hour?" |
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Jason LaPlant, speaking as his
dad. “Your mom was almost passed out. I thought she would appreciate it, so I slept with her. Nine months later, your fat ass popped out. Get out of my house” |
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Mark Theisen, to Scott Headrick,
who was in need of a friend's help and support. "Sorry I couldn't be there for you Scott. I was busy playing games." |
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Amanda Geditz, in my every attempt
at being funny. "You are so not funny." |
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Libby Boggess, in the Games
office, after yelling at a game op. "I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to yell at those fuckers for not doing they're jobs." |
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Mom, her song she made up about
our cat Sassy. "Tat! Ta-Tatty Cat! She is! A sassy brat!" |
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Jason LaPlant, on his crazy aunt
Donna. "When I hug my aunt, I'm afraid she's gonna steal my wallet... I'm serious!" |
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Patrick Lynch, telling me the
story of a kid who slept over and had to use the bathroom. "So the weirdest thing. I wake up Sunday morning and this guy, this kid I've never seen before, wakes me up. He's like "Dude, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom." And I'm like "Okay, I don't know who you are." And he's like "Do you have anything to wipe with?" And I'm like "Here, here's a McDonald's sack." Fucking weirdo." |
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Mark Theisen, getting fresh with
Nick Sandbulte. Nick: "Mark, stop playing footsie with me." Mark: "I was just trying to have fun." |
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Chris Ahrendt, on his hatred for
the DSU Drama Club. "If I ever get within fifty yards of the drama club again, shoot me." |
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Matt Thompson and me, on my
inability to keep secrets. Matt: "This is private and has to remain between the people in this room. No telling anybody." Me: "I should probably just leave right now." Matt: "Yeah, maybe you should." |
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Tony Sorenson, admiring his note
on the fridge from the ER, stating he could have died from
his blood alcohol level on his birthday. "Well, that's my goal for tonight. Beat that." |
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Patrick Lynch, on collecting
cards. Patrick: "My brother and me have the most worthless set of cards ever. The 1991 Desert Storm cards." Cooney: "That's worth some money." Patrick: "Exactly." |
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Mom, playing with the dogs and not
realizing the Schwan's man was actually at the door. "Sic 'em, girl, sic 'em!" |
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Mark Theisen, on underage
drinking. Nick: "So Mark, you think it's okay for a five-year old to drink?" Mark: "Well, in moderation." |