Hilarious Quotes: 101-150
Finally, an archive to all of your favorite classic quotes. Everyone loves a good quote, and all the best ones that I know of are here for all to see. Sorry if anyone here is offended by their misspoken words being printed. Okay, I'm not that sorry.
Quotes #1-50 51-100 151-200 201-250
 |
Scott Headrick, on lack of summer
holidays. Scott: "Wouldn't it be nice if all the big holidays were in the summer... like Christmas?" Nick: "What?! How would that be nice. We wouldn't get any days off for school!" Scott: (hesitant) "Well, it would be. Just think about it." |
 |
David Brent, from the BBC Office
Christmas Special, on girlfriends Interviewer: "When was the last time you had an actual girlfriend?" David: "I don't look at it as when. I look at it as who, and why." |
 |
Casey VanHeel, after seeing
Spiderman 2 in New York. "Now I know what it's like to see a movie with toddlers and immigrants." |
 |
Charlie Ahern and Katie
Rauchwater, at Valleyfair. Charlie: "How does it go?" Katie: "Fuck you. That's how it goes." |
 |
Mike Herman, on his game of James
Bond with Sheldon Schwab. "I totally dominated Schwab in some hardcore Bond action last night." |
 |
Cleo Glanzer, confusing a tanning
bed for a person. "Is Tanning Bed the boy you're taking to prom?" |
 |
Uncle Rico, telling Kip about his
football skills. Rico: "Back in 1982, I could throw a pigskin a quarter mile." Kip: "Are you serious?" Rico: "I'm dead serious." |
 |
Ween, lyrics to "Piss Up a Rope" "Now you're up shit's creek with a turd for a paddle." |
 |
CM, looking for his new
brass knuckles. "Where are my knucks?" |
 |
Jon Purcell, on drinking "I don't play a lot of drinking games. Except get drunk... and cry yourself to sleep. I play that one a lot." |
 |
Anthony Scott, on playing
intramural softball with me. Me: "So are you on a softball team?" Anthony: "No, but I really want to play." Me: "Hey, we're actually looking for another guy if you want to play." Anthony: "Uhh, I'm really busy with basketball." |
 |
Bert Blyleven, on David Wells
pitching a perfect game with a hangover. Dick Bremer: "Did you ever pitch with a hangover?" Bert: "I pitched drunk! I'm drunk right now!" |
 |
Patrick Lynch, telling police
officers he would take care of me despite being ridiculously drunk
himself. "Don't worry officer, he's in my custody." |
 |
Jason LaPlant, interrupting an
interview on film with Kayla Laursen to tell us his dad was
drunk. "Man, my dad is just piled... oh, are you recording?" |
 |
Matt Thompson, after I jabbed him
in the eye with a straw at the Valleyfair Olympics. "I'm not gonna lie. That hurt pretty bad." |
 |
Luke Katuin, after I jokingly told
him he should take his clothes off. Me: "Luke, you should strip down and walk around naked." Luke: "Alright!" - he proceeded to do so |
 |
Me and Larry Birchem,
immediately after breaking my leg in football practice, an
injury that would put me in a cast for four months. Me: "I guess I won't be suiting up Friday, huh?" Coach Larry Birchem: "I'd guess you'll be out for two to four weeks." |
 |
Neal Colford, betting confidently
that I won't be able to answer his trivial question. "Alright, name a person whose name starts with A!" |
|
|
Scott Headrick, on why Nicky Volin
was naked in his room. Scott: "Why were you butt-naked, Nicky?" Nicky: "I was sore." Scott: "From what?" Nicky: "From getting it rammed into me." |
 |
Nicky Volin, recalling high school
days when people used to pay him to do funny dances. "I used to get paid to dance back in high school... not like that!" |
 |
Brandon Hanson, in a paper I wrote
for him (very badly) that he neglected to even read through. "Only one out of ten college freshmen will graduate from the school they started at. So if my math is correct, and I do believe that it is, that means six out of ten do not graduate from the school they started." |
 |
Jeff Landhuis, on why he drinks so
much. "Drink as much as you can while you're in college, because once you're done, it's called alcoholism." |
 |
Justin Jung, to Nick Sandbulte on
why Brett Favre gets all the calls from the refs. "Well, he is God." |
 |
Ron Hubner, attempting to give one
of the LaPlants a giant lollipop. Ron: "Where's Big Daddy LaPlant? I have a surprise for him." Me: "Which one's Big Daddy?" |
|
|
Me, explaining to Liz Burke why I
can't go to Twinsfest 2004. Liz: "Are you going to Twinsfest?" Me: "Those dates aren't looking too promising. I think I might have some prior engagements." Liz: "What prior engagements?" Me: "Well... none. I just said that. I wanted to make it seem like I have a life... that involves more than the Twins. But I don't." |
| Dr. Valentine, former professor of
Liz Burke's, and also the dad of a Maroon 5 band member. "I hate going into Wal-Mart. The people are ugly. The merchandise is crowded. There are just a bunch of fat, sweaty people running around. I just can't do it!" |
|
|
|
Jason LaPlant, on being drunk. "I'm drunk... and rule!" |
|
|
Jason LaPlant, on his pirate
costume for 2005's pirate party. His costume consisted
of his picture on the left: a floppy old woman hat, a yellow
"I'm in ship-shape" cruise ship shirt, disgusting pajama
pants, and a black vest. "I'm a pirate... Arrrgghh!" |
|
|
Jason LaPlant, on the phone with
a girl, explaining to her why I couldn't date her. "The thing with Glanzer is... he loves 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.'" |
|
|
Patrick Lynch, explaining to my
17-year old brother his DD policy. "I usually buy the designated driver a beer, but you're driving, so..." |
|
|
Neal Colford, finally having
everyone's attention after waiting anxiously for his turn as
many people took shots at Cooney for stating he wasn't a big
fan of "The Goonies." "...fuck you." |
|
|
Patrick Lynch, on Ron Hubner not
letting Games employees run through the sprinklers at work
on hot days. Me: "God it was hot out the other day at work. I was sweating like crazy." Patrick: "Don't they let you run through the sprinklers when it gets hot anymore?" Me: "No, Ron put an end to that." Patrick: "Jeez, what is this? Valleyfair Oschwitz?" |
|
|
Patrick Lynch, on the purchasing
of pot. "I've never paid for a penny of pot in my life." |
|
|
Patrick Lynch, on his trip to the
U of M campus. Patrick: "I saw these super hot chicks on the U of M campus today." Colin: "What were you doing on campus?" Patrick: "I don't know, but they were hot." |
 |
Mark Theisen "Sometimes the things that don't make any sense make the most sense of all." |
|
|
Mark Theisen "Sometimes I feel like I'm the only gay eskimo in the tribe." |
 |
Sheldon Rahn, after mindlessly
punching an innocent Josh Bosch in the face for tapping him
on the shoulder while he was watching TV. "Oops, sorry Bosch." |
|
|
Jason LaPlant, responding to Luke
Katuin's gift. Luke: "I have something in my car for you." Jason: "Is it a dead hooker?" |
|
|
Me, after noticing the score of
Willow Lake's football loss on the news was incorrectly
posted 144-0. Willow Lake was outscored 341-21 this
season in an 0-8 effort. "Huh. Well that was closer than I expected." |
 |
Our Valleyfair intramural softball
team name. We went 0-8 and were outscored 200-25
in the eight games, and eight of those runs came in the
first inning of our first game. "The Greatest Team Ever Assembled in the History of the Universe in Any Sport." |
|
|
Me, trying to justify our softball
team's miserable performance in the Valleyfair league. "Hey, all great teams go through a little eight-game slump here and there." |
|
|
Ron Hubner, watching on as I tried
to fit my hand in a puppet. I soon realized the hole I
was trying to put my hand into was in fact the puppet's
tail, stuffed inside of the body. "I don't wanna know what you're trying to do there." |
 |
Carl Ware, on his bugspray
accident that could be misinterpreted sexually. "I got Off in my eyes!" |
|
|
Brandon Hanson, in another line I
typed in his English paper that he didn't proofread. "Once I was done with high school, I just wanted to break it on loose like a wanderin' goose." |
|
|
Me, inadvertently tipping off cops
as to the location of underage drinkers hiding in a house.
Sorry Craig! "Hey, aren't there still more people left hiding in the bathroom?" |
|
|
Me, to Amanda, as we sat at our
dirty table after eating. Amanda: "Don't even try to clean it up. It's a lost cause." Me: "The only thing that's a lost cause is this pea!" I proceed to squash a pea with my knife. |
|
|
Jason LaPlant, on Nick Sandbulte's
ability to not drink around so many drunks. Liz: "I'm so impressed that you haven't cracked under the pressure of these boys!" Jason: "And it doesn't help when my dick is in his ass." |
 |
Hunter Hubner, working in the
Valleyfair Arcade, was asked by a guest to break a twenty.
Hunter ripped the guests twenty dollar bill in half and set
it on the counter. "There. I broke your twenty." |