Hilarious Quotes: 151-200
Finally, an archive to all of your favorite classic quotes. Everyone loves a good quote, and all the best ones that I know of are here for all to see. Sorry if anyone here is offended by their misspoken words being printed. Okay, I'm not that sorry.
Quotes #1-50 51-100 101-150 201-250
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CM, on playing flag
football against high schoolers. "I'm sorer than a penny whore on nickel night." |
| Some guy in English class, on why
not to visit Jamaica. Person: "Oh, shit, you don't want to go to Jamaica." Andrew Murphy: "Why not?" Person (struggling to justify reasoning): "Uhh... fucking Jamaicans everywhere." |
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Wayne Pauli, DSU professor, on
e-commerce. "Say I go down to Ampride, and I spent $27.00 on porn... If I use my credit card, then my wife will see the statement and know that I bought porn. If I write a check, there's still proof of me buying porn. But if I use cash to pay for my $27 worth of porn, then I remain anonymous and my wife will never find out!" |
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Kristin Kirkeby, on a non-trad
classmate who wouldn't do a group project with her.
She actually meant to say she did the project without him,
but it came out wrong. "He walked out of the room and told us to kiss his ass. So I did it." |
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Jason LaPlant, to Jake Drotzman,
who was not taking part in drinking at a large party. "You might get away with this now, but that's not gonna fly over spring break!" |
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Brandon Nase, reacting to Jeff
Landhuis' horrible story. Jeff: "I totally missed the corner and wrapped my car around a pole." Brandon: "Nice!" |
| Random girl in AmericInn lobby,
about a friend bashing her church. Girl: "Mom, Shelly's being mean! She said our church sucks and it's the worst church ever!" Girl's Mom: "Why would she say that about our church? I thought our church was a good church!" |
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Jon Mueller, on the early
darkness. Jon: "Man, it's five o'clock and already this dark out." Me: "Actually, it's six-thirty." Jon, ignoring me: "Pitch black... ridiculous." |
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Chris Ahrendt, yelling as he
angrily stormed out of his room around midnight to eat
something. "God dammit! Why am I so fucking hungry all the time?!" |
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Jason LaPlant, commenting on how
fast he'll be able to complete a task. Mike Drennen: "We need to tape this commercial fast." Jason: "I'll do it faster than a... box full of... racecars... I don't know where I'm going with this." |
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Brad Feeney, on Nick Sandbulte. Me: "Nick was also talking about moving up to the Cities after graduation." Jason: "He could live with me and Patrick for a couple weeks while he looks for a place. But that might be awkward for him." Feeney: "Would Nick be awkward for two weeks? Or for the rest of his life?" |
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Jason LaPlant, on Jake being an
asshole. Jake: "Man, it's taking you forever to put on your sweatshirt!" Jason: "It's taking you forever to be an asshole!" |
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Justin Jung, assisting Jason with
the bad taste in his mouth after eating pepper-flavored
jellybeans. "Here, eat these mashed potatoes I made to cleanse your palette." |
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Brad Feeney, while watching a
commercial on TV. TV: "Hi, I'm Bill Frager from West Mall 7..." Feeney: "Bill Fagger is more like it." |
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Derrick Geiszler, on me signing up
for karaoke with Katie Eye. "You and Katie are signing up for 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light?' You should sign it 'Katie and Not Katie's Husband.'" |
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Brad Feeney, inadvertently
sounding like he was looking at a single boob. Jason: "Did she have nice boobs?" Feeney: "Well, the one I was looking at was nice." |
| Sheldon Schwab, as I walk into a
bar. Schwab: "Buy that son of a bitch a shot of Jag!" Bartender: "That'll be $2.25." Schwab: "What?! You're charging me for it?!" |
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Amanda Geditz, on some people I
know. "Well, they're not idiots... okay, they're idiots, but they're not stupid... okay, they're stupid too but... you know what I mean." |
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Nick Sandbulte, on enlarged
prostates. TV Commercial: "It wasn't my bladder that was the problem... I found out my prostate was growing." Nick: "Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha... Oh, that is good. Ah ha ha ha. I guess they needed to make it bigger!" |
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Jason LaPlant, very intoxicated, on
the subject of women. "I know about women than anyone!" |
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Jason LaPlant, on what his
favorite features of women are. "I like it when their lips are small, and their asses are smaller!" |
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Patrick Lynch, on a song on the
radio. "If you've heard this song, you might recognize it." |
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Patrick Lynch, explaining the lack
of snow in Minneapolis compared to Madison. Ryan: "Is there any snow in Minneapolis?" Patrick: "Well, take the snow on the ground and minus it from what you have, and that's how much snow we have." |
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Anthony Scott, fielding questions
from kids who were shocked to see a black student teacher. Kid: "Why do black people have so much gold in their mouths?" Anthony: "I don't know." |
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Me, responding to a question from
Kayla Laursen. Kayla: "If you were able to submit yourself as a cast member in the background of one of the following "Saved by the Bell" episodes, which would it be and why? 1) In the beach scene of the episode where Zack had to meet Slater and Kelly on "Cut Day." 2) In the movie theater when Lisa and Screech went on their first "real date" with the rest of the gang. 3) In the sports shop at the mall where the gang hides when they are trying to get front row tickets to a U2 concert?" Me: "I had a feeling you might ask that question." |
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Craig Kargilynan, drunk at the
Cocktail, anxious to graduate. Doug Wire: "So, we're almost done." Craig: "We're gonna graduate the shit out of each other tomorrow!" Craig proceeded to dive into several barstools head-first and cause a scene. |
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Derrick Geiszler. Brad Feeney was
enjoying a drink from a straw by placing it in his shirt
pocket and not having to hold onto it. Feeney: "This is pretty sweet. Someone should invent something like this." Geiszler: "They already have. It's called a shirt pocket." |
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Me, trying to gain the approval of
Amanda's parents by making lots of stupid jokes. Me: "I don't know if I've eaten at the Famous Dave's in Sioux Falls. The one in Carpenter is pretty good though." Gwen Geditz: "They have a Famous Dave's in Carpenter?!" Me: "No, I was just lying." |
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Me, to Amanda. Amanda: "You're despicable." Me: "Despicably handsome." |
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Mom, singing an improvisational
song to Peyton about herself and her missing tooth. "Puff the magic grandma, had no teeth... and smoked marijuana to provide relief." |
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Granny, inexplicably confused as
to how long she has been living in Huron. Granny: "How long did you say I've lived in Huron? Since 1989?" Me: "No... since 1997." Granny: "Oh, that's only twelve years difference." |
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Granny, a typical quote she has
said many times before, or close to it. "Jeepdus Chrighps... today is Friday. Tomorrow will be Saturday. Then it's Sunday. Before you know it, almost Monday, then Tuesday. Heck, putt'ner Wednesday already. My, my, how the time flies nowadays." |
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Granny, scattering Little Debbie
snacks across the kitchen table in a haste. Granny: "Eat, Dickie, eat!" Dad: "Goddammit, ma! Nobody here eats those damn Little Debbies!" Granny: "Oh, no, you kids like Debbies. Eat!" |
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Patrick Lynch, talking about an
ugly former female co-worker. "She is a hermit that grew from under a bridge... If I kissed her I would cut my face off. Unless the acid from her face didn't burn it off already." |
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Patrick Lynch, telling Nick
Sandbulte he should fulfill all of his life dreams at 59. "The only thing is if you don't die at sixty, it's gonna suck for the rest of your life." |
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Me, on Nick's greasy pancakes. Nick: "If you cook pancakes in bacon grease, oooohhhh that is soooo tasty." Me: "The best part is it's low-fat." |
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Nick Sandbulte, questioning me
talking on the phone in the bathroom. Nick: "Was Glanzer really just talking to Amanda on the phone while taking a piss?" |
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Me, watching a Timberwolves game.
The other team scored a free throw to make the score 1-0. "This game is over." |
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Jason LaPlant, on finishing this
page of quotes. Me: "Only ten more quotes and I can post this page." Jason: "Well let's make some memories God dammit!" |
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Patrick Lynch, questioning Nick
eating at Arby's for the first ever time. "Wait, you ate at Arby's or in Arby's for the first time?" |
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Patrick Lynch, directing Nick to
the bathroom in his apartment. Nick: "Where's the bathroom?" Patrick: "Go two blocks down, take a left, you'll find Chinatown." |
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Jason LaPlant, on not finishing
good food. Nick: "Don't you hate it when there's really good food and you can't finish it?" Jason: "Almost as much as I hate my life." |
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Peyton Krogman, pointing a toy gun
at Grandpa Dick while reciting something she may have heard
at daycare. "Die, pig!" |
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Jason LaPlant, teasing Nick
Sandbulte, who badly wanted to play Risk. Jason: "Hey Nick, you wanna play Risk tonight?" Nick: "Yes! Definitely!" Jason: "Then you'd better ask Patrick, cause I don't want to play." |
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Jason LaPlant, reasoning for
finally laughing at one of Nick's jokes. "I think a lot of the things you say are funny. I just chose to laugh at that one." |
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Patrick Lynch, commenting on the
large new Burger King burgers. "I'll take a dump the size of my arm after eating one of those." |
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Patrick Lynch, upset Rascal Flatts
will be playing WeFest '06. "Too bad Rascal Gay is gonna be there!" |
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Patrick Lynch, to Steve Carlson. "You're as hairy as a five-year-old boy." |
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Jason LaPlant, after
someone made a snide comment about his mother. "If I had a soul, I'd be offended." |