Hilarious Quotes: 201-250
Finally, an archive to all of your favorite classic quotes. Everyone loves a good quote, and all the best ones that I know of are here for all to see. Sorry if anyone here is offended by their misspoken words being printed. Okay, I'm not that sorry.
Quotes #1-50 51-100 101-150 151-200 251-300
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Travis Boultan, after rolling out
of bed to head over to Patrick and Jason's house. "Let's go kick some ass." |
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Jason LaPlant, in an attempt to
win me over. "Eat this poop... then you'll be mine." |
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Jason LaPlant, on getting this
party started. "We can get this party started just as soon as I shit my pants." Nick proceeded to fart, setting the room in hysterics. |
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Jason LaPlant, upset with Travis's
comments. Travis: "I haven't played this game in a coon's age." Jason: "Don't say 'age.'" |
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Jason LaPlant, sure Nick Sandbulte
will bring a lady back to Jason and Patrick's after the bar. Jason: "When Nick brings a lady back, his bed is mine." Me: "Don't you mean your bed is his?" Jason: "Oh, yeah." |
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Patrick Lynch, upset the previous
Jason comment was added to the list. Patrick: "Heeyy!! No fair! Why does Jason get a stupid quote on there?" Jason: "It's a bad thing; it makes me sound stupid." Patrick: "Oh, that's true. I have a lot of those on there." |
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Jason LaPlant, commenting on Steve
Carlson as he daydreamed about Montgomery Gentry. "I can't imagine all the gay shit Steve would buy if he had a lot of money." |
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Jason LaPlant, able to find
something crazy he won't do. "I will not bet rent!" |
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Jason LaPlant, as Vincent Arp
enters the room. "Vincent fucking Arp. As I live and breathe." |
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Patrick Lynch, not able to
function without alcohol. "We were sober; we didn't know what was going on." |
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Jason LaPlant, in the back of the
car. Liz: "I'm sorry Jason, I'm not trying to get fresh with you." Jason: "Trust me Liz, there is nothing fresh down there." |
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Patrick Lynch, advising the
drinking of wine. "Jason, go drink that wine in the fridge; it's getting warm!" |
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Jason LaPlant, pulling a flask of
whiskey from his underwear. "This is going to be some warm-ass whiskey... literally." |
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Patrick Lynch, assuring victory
over Nick Sandbulte in a future game of racquetball. "You can tell Sandbulte his reign of terror is over in racquetball. I'm gonna fuck his shit up." |
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Patrick Lynch, coming out of the
closet... kind of. "I'm gay for women." |
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Jason LaPlant, sarcastically
agreeing with Steve's idea of good TV. Steve: "Oh, sweet! CMT's Top 40 NASCAR moments!" Jason: "Have I died and gone to TV heaven?" |
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Wayne Williams, MB, Inc.
co-worker, on company nicknames based on e-mail addresses. Wayne: "Your nickname is R-Yang." Me: "Well, it could be worse!" Wayne: "No kidding. My nickname's Shithead." |
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Jason LaPlant, several years ago, was popping popcorn
in a bar even though the bartenders told him not to.
After several attempts to get Jason to quit, he refused and
was forcefully removed from the premises. |
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Brad Gausman, after evaluating the
cost of Vincent Arp's life. Vincent: "When I was born, I had a hole in my heart. I was a $90,000 baby!" Brad: "...You weren't worth it." |
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Matt Hanson, somehow receiving
full credit for his absurd answer on an Art History test. Question: "What occupations dominated during the Renaissance?" Matt: "Work-type jobs." |
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John W., on his lack of activity during the day. "I was about as worthless as tits in a bowl today." |
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Brian T., jokingly suggesting
Westrum's alocholism. Westrum: "As far as I'm concerned, I'm in Mexico lying on the beach, enjoying my sixth margarita." Brian: "So it's 8am?" |
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Jerry Seinfeld's best quote, in my
opinion, from the series. "I think that by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message!" |
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Steve Carlson, when I spotted his
exact look-alike in St. Paul Me: "Steve, Patrick and I saw your look-alike tonight." Steve: "Fuck no, nobody's this good looking." |
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Aaron P., angry with me that it
has been so long since he's eaten ice cream. Aaron: "I haven't eaten ice cream in nine days." Me: "Ha. I just had ice cream twelve hours ago!" Aaron, retaliating: "Oh yeah? Well I just had sex twelve hours ago, so there!" |
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Jason LaPlant, about to allow Jeff
to masturbate in a version of the Seinfeld contest and get
away with it. "If you jack off in my mouth, Jeff, there's no way you're out of the contest!" |
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Jason LaPlant, as he opened two
old 40s from the fridge. Jason: Oh that smells bad. Nick: Then don't drink it. Jason: But Nick, you don't realize, drinking makes me feel good. Nick: Not if it tastes bad! Jason: You're wrong! |
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Jason LaPlant, on his stance to
not put bad chemicals in his body. "I'll abuse my body with alcohol, but no fucking way am I taking Tylenol!" |
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Jason LaPlant, upset with Nick. Nick: "When we argue a point you just yell at me." Jason: "Yeah cause it shuts you up you dumb bitch!" |
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Jason LaPlant, commenting on
Twins' announcer Dick Bremer's observation of a kid at a
game. Dick: "That youngster must be on a school break!" Jason: "There's no school break, it's a night game, dickhead." |
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Jason LaPlant, on drinking too
little. "I either go big or I go home." |
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Jason LaPlant, on drinking just
six beers. "If I don't have enough to drink, I get tired and go to sleep. It's a character flaw." |
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Craig Kargilynan, asking me if I
will attend his Mexican lake party. "Grow out your moustache and we'll sit around drinking pretending like we're fuckin Mexicans!" |
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Me, not able to pass up a good
chance for a joke with Nick. Nick: "Someone asked me the other day how Ryan likes his new job. It took me like ten seconds to realize they were talking about Glanzer. I never think of him as Ryan." Me: "I know, the same thing happened with me. Someone asked me how Shithead was liking his new job, and it took me like a minute to realize they were talking about Nick. Sorry Nick, that was cruel." |
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Craig Kargilynan, inquiring as to
news from Jake Drotzman. "So what did Jakey Jakey Big Mistakey have to say?" |
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Jason LaPlant, whose reaction
after seeing the tail end of a commercial changed from
respect to annoyance. Commercial: "...thank you for drinking." Jason: "What?! Who said that?!" Commercial: (Coca-Cola logo appears, shattering Jason's hope of an alcoholic company saying that message.) Jason: "Oh, fuck you, Coca-Cola." |
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Craig Kargilynan, on fooling the
cops. Craig: "I admitted to the open container, but not to drinking it. For all the cops know, I was sober as a bird." Me: "Were you?" Craig: "Hell no, I was fucking shit-fuck annihilated!" |
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Me, easily persuading Nick's
cousin Chris to have another beer. Me: "Another beer, Chris?" Chris: "No, I better not." Me: "Ohhhhhh..." Chris: "Alright, fine." Me: "Huh, didn't have to persuade him much." |
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Jeff LaPlant, introducing himself
to a group of random Twins tailgaters. "Hi, my name's Jeff, and I'm a piece of shit." |
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Jeff LaPlant, yelling to a large
crowd of people trying to make their way out of the
Metrodome. "He is risen!" |
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Patrick Lynch, discussing circuses
with Amanda Geditz. Amanda: "I want to go to the circus to see the elephants." Patrick: "I want to see the hippos." Amanda: "We could always go see them at the zoo." Patrick: "Yeah but at the zoo they aren't the real-size hippos, they're just the mini hippos." |
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Jeff LaPlant, on pedophilia. Nick: "I heard that the people who hand out the donated money to foreign countries are asking for sexual favors from the kids that get the money... sometimes as young as eight years old." Jeff: "Nick, I hear you... where do I sign up?" |
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Jeff LaPlant, on public speaking. "I'm the best thing to happen to public speaking since Tony Batista." |
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Jason LaPlant, thinking I hadn't
finished my mixed drink. Jason: "Glanzer! Finish your mixed drink!" Me: "I have!" Jason: "No, finish it! Finish it!" Me: "It is finished!" Jason: "Then what is that right there?" Me: "This is an ounce of water from your cup from earlier!" Jason: "Oh... get another drink dammit!" |
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Jason LaPlant, angry with people
touching his nipples. "Seriously, fuck all you assholes. Stop touching my nipples... My pants just fell down." |
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Jason LaPlant, looking at a clock
and realizing how early it is. "Oh my Gaawwd, it's only 9:48, let's get drunk. Fuck you. I want a banana. Jeff do you want a banana?" |
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Jason LaPlant, completely
forgetting the previous quote. Jason: "Oh my Gawwwd, what are you eating?" Jeff: "What?" Jason: "Is that raw fish? Fucking A I don't eat raw fish. Oh my Gawwwd." Me: "Isn't that the banana we were just talking about?" |
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Jason LaPlant,
unwilling to eat raw fish. Jeff: "Jason, come here." Jason: "No way am I eating raw fish." Jeff: "It's the same banana." |
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Jason LaPlant, talking
to Chris on the phone. "Chris, seriously, don't think less of me, but I love you, I am going to take that weekend off for your wedding, and I'm getting you a real present... Don't think less of me! I'm not going to be a piece of shit at your wedding, that's how much I think of you." |